Yeah! My huge long ass, neglect the dogs and the house weekend marathon of work was not for nothing. Although I'm not completely done yet, a lot of the major spreads were fleshed out and the smaller version shouldn't be too tough once the big one is done. so she liked it and I feel the ol butterflies calming down as I really liked it too, but I can't stand it when I like something and the client doesn't. So I owe the dogs and the house some attention soon. Talked to Jeri on the phone last night and got to talking about how to change your focus on events or visualizing what you want out of life. Like not just focusing on what you don't want sort of thing. I am guilty of that in that I'm so freaked out about getting hurt I automatically throw the buts and can'ts right away. Even when I did try to be positive, I guess I didn't really believe it or in it so to speak. Mainly there are a lot of bad people out there who want to hurt others because they're so broken themselves. And I have been trying to survive these types of people for so long I forget to really appreciate those who have been really good to me. Changing the way you think is pretty difficult though. I struggle with it as I feel like I'm just lying to myself and I really REALLY hate lying. but I guess I need to change the way I view that as it's not really lying if it comes true right? hrmmm..
well today has been better. I've been working all day on a side project that I had been a little worried about but I really like how it's coming out and actually getting a huge dent in the work is making me feel a little better too. I've decided to look into a class like stained glass or agility classes for the girls but so far I haven't been able to see how i can work it into my schedule. but i shall keep trying. I've considered attending church but i'm quite hesitant from my past experience with it. There is one I may be interested in trying but as usual schedules prevent it from happening immediately. the good thing is I'm not going to sit and wallow in misery of dealing with a certain individual's lack of respect and consideration. Instead, I will feel sorry for him and the fact that he is missing out on someone really wonderful. His short sightedness has cost him dearly.
preferably, a really nice amaretto sour heavy on the amaretto. ugh. BUT some news...feb 16....that is all. but it's better than nuttin'. my anger is still with me but i have mother nature to blame for a large part of why it's getting to me. I really think mommy dearest is really about Joan Crawford's lifetime PMS battle. at least I'm angry at the person I should be angry with though. and I'm just trying to work through it alone again. *sigh* I swear the ability to hold oneself accountable for your actions is tough to find in people nowadays. everyone wants credit but no one wants responsibility. I also figured I never should listen to REM - strange currencies while in an emotional state. They're worse than those sappy ass phone commercials and Nestor the Christmas donkey all rolled up into one. the dogs had no idea why I was crying, we were watching Bewitched for crying out loud...yes it was that bad....seriously damn REM. but my mood is a little lighter considering all is not lost on some aspects of my life at least. again...boycotting valentine's day....cupid should be bitch-slapped.
The final Harry Potter is now available for pre-order. *sigh* no more harry after this. It's the afternoon and I'm finding myself to be — peeved. I was good and got pretzels instead of the kit kat that was totally begging me to buy it..so I feel good about that, but pissed that I still want chocolate. Then I start to ask myself why do I want chocolate so bad? I'm pissed. it's repressed anger at people. and because I've spent my whole freakin life having to hold it in and never get angry because people will leave. and it's happened too. although i suspect more from a guilt and "God you've gained weight" feeling. jerk. i hate you for that. Like you have a body that could kill. I am very angry at you. I know why I don't express it though, but it never seems to stop the inevitable fleeing from the scene or facing yourself no does it? Nothing I do can prevent that. but now I'm concentrating on my anger here. you have no reason to escape me, you're only trying to escape yourself...and sweetie, that will never happen. so why punish me for it? again...jerk. bet you wish i ate the kit kat now huh? damn placating goodness...total self destruction in order to please others. ugh. I disgust myself.
You know, searching people on the web sometimes isn't the best thing for when you're trying to forget that person. You might find things about that person that maybe you would have been better off not knowing. then again I guess it is good in that you feel like you totally dodged a bullet because you were being lied to anyway. ugh. I can't look at instant messaging the same way ever again. gag. another note...google analytics is down and that makes my addictive crack whore habit of checking it a moot point now...I mean all of the sites I manage are now in the dark...I can't see!!! pffftt. but it's Friday, I survived...still no news as of yet. I was able to finally get my hair done but I always hate the little cape thingy they put on me...my head looks huge. I do admire my stylist though. she's inspired me again as I've been feeling pretty low in the ol self esteem, but she is someone who has definietly transformed herself. I want/need to do this as well but I always feel like I lack the ability or that I really don't deserve it. goes without saying certain individuals who go out of their way to reinforce that thought. eh, screw em.
ok Warner Bros...you suck. Stewie dancing with Gene Kelly is a classic that belongs to everyone in such a bleak world as this. It's not like it was the whole show for cryin out loud....meanies...I watched alot before you banned it though so nyah. tthhppbbbtthhhh. anyhoo...still nothing..ok a little something, at the post has been removed. so i guess that means progress. whatever that is. I will be neck deep in design stuff this weekend and I'm really trying to psych myself into having fun with it. At least I'm not having to go to all the photoshoots...well those are kinda fun though. Must get camera this year and video camera...hell a new computer too why not since we're dreaming. blah.
themselves in where they belong as a group. Like I really kinda hate people who feel like they freakin own my ass for whatever reason. I like to think of myself as a helpful person, I don't seek constant praise for it like some because I see it as just part of being a good person and a responsibility I have to others...there's that damn r word again. (Hops up on large soapbox). For the most part I think most people are the same way, It's part of living in a collective society. however, how do you deal with glory hogs or those who just can't seem to grasp the concept of actions create reactions and how you are responsible for yours and not blame the person for reacting. even if it's a misunderstanding you owe it to yourself and the other person to work it out. I constantly question myself though being the focused driven individual, how much should you try before giving up? Where does futility fit in with social norms and values? *sigh* also how does love affect this decision? In many books I've read usually the thought of giving up on a family member is considered horendous, but someone you think you love or nothing legally binding then...eh...just wasn't meant to be. But who are your family except a random accident of too much wine afteer a party? granted, they loved you enough to hang around you for 18 years and they always give you a place to go for the holidays...I rambling now...more later.