Gypsy Design :: The Stew

what exactly is shinola anyway? anyhoo....my christmas spirit has yet to be found. *sigh* this made me feel better on some level, but then this guy is considered a bit crazy and it's wrong that i identify with him on so many levels at the moment... I've been getting a lot of work lately which is good, but i kinda wanted some other stuff to start happening in my life...like y'know living it instead of working through it? but sadly the good stuff that makes my heart jump for joy seems to be just few and far between and i'm thinking i'm in a bit of a rut and working comes so easily for me unlike being social which frankly makes me cringe sometimes. i'm trying, but argghh .... *sigh* (again) here's where i just think doing nothing is sometimes the best thing, right? but i'm jaded and biased and that could be just me being a chicken shit....and you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit, right? hrmmm i'll probably end  up doing nothing and then pissed at myself for such stupidity later, but then i'm prolly saving myself from enormous amounts of rejection....i don't know which is worse, that or feeling like this. i'd much rather be happy and loved frankly...

Posted by artjynx at 02:51 PM | Permalink

ah the holidays....a time to catch up on all the crap that i've been putting off...well most of it anyway. I'm trying to gather enough holiday spirit to drag out all the christmas tree stuff, but frankly, all i can think about is the amount of work involved in putting it up and taking it down a month later...*sigh* I think this is how scrooge got started. hrmmm...maybe if there was someone who would want to help me...and make a fun evening out of it... . again people we're going with hope without griswold overkill here. I hope everyone had a good turkey day...i managed to get through without any major overeating...so that's always good.

Posted by artjynx at 03:50 PM | Permalink

For some reason, I always want to curl up in the fetal postion with a shel silverstein book on my birthday. I think the fact that a man that age who could retain  such a creative whimsy thought process gives me hope as i stumble my way through being an adult....such an ugly word...adult.... but anyhoo, trying to think of some way to boost the ol creative synapses led me the the ace of cakes web site....yeah that guy... and yes it makes sense...birthday cakes....trying to find some new way of getting messy...makes perfect logical sense thank you very much. anyhoo, even though i'm trying super hard to lose weight, i thought i could just pick out a picture of a cake that kinda represents the mood and whimsy of the thinking right now...

 

 
particularly the swirly stuff and the skulls with hearts for eyes...can't explain it fully but i totally relate to this cake. I believe everyone has some sort of didactic symbol and the swirly thing is just so me...it grows in a loop constantly revisiting where it's been but with new perspective and growth each time around. and don't forget getting dizzy that's always fun. 

so this is usually where i try to make my new year's resolutions since it's my own personal new year and all. I took a glance at last year's and seems i met some of the goals or at least made a large dent anyway and not to mention some nice surprises too...to be mysteriously known only as "cb!" on this blog for now. nothing major as of yet but i'm hopeful which is way better than where i was this time last year. and so much better too!!! the house is getting there...i really only have the the bathtub to be refinished now for the major projects...everything else is fluffy girl stuff like curtains and framing the daniel kessler prints. my next goal is to update the electronics (i.e. TV!!!) by the end of January. I will get my ass in this century viewing wise...writers strike or not. i have the will and grace dvds to watch if they try to create another tv reality crap show.

so let's see....last year:

resolved to exercise more...yep, doing that now...trying to anyway

be creative...a struggle but freelance has been so busy and need to play with dogs sometime

cook at home more.....uhm....does heating taquitos in the oven count? Otherwise...not so good on that one. but it kinda is ok in that weight thing needs to be brought under control.

being nicer to myself...hrmmm...i think i've done ok, but i really need to stop thinking the worst when i'm not in control of something. kinda bad self-fullfilling prophecy. think the worst of people and they will deliver. so still as always need to work on that. exercise helping alot though as if i'm feeling better about myself i'm more forgiving or just frankly don't care about you because I'm awesome dammit!   note to self: don't get too carried away...heheh.

 I guess this goes right into the whole not tolerating crappy people...I actually have a much better job now and very cool people to work with...so that's a HUGE improvement. and very busy doing fun stuff...

so i guess this time around i made a large loop in that i've done quite a bit in a year and it's all good. Hopefully, I'll have more to say on the ol' love life part by next year. Not in a rush as i'm trying to enjoy the process of whatever does or doesn't happen....it's just nice to be hopeful. 

 

 

Posted by artjynx at 03:11 PM | Permalink

ok...the PMS ranting is pretty much passed...that's kinda why i have this blog so i don't annoy the crap out of people, but hopefully no one reading this takes anything majorly seriously...it's really just to get out the junk out of my head without damaging anything...but today, I have to admit, I am a dork. considering, I manage to actually have a positive thought thinking a good thing only to be kinda bitch-slapped, smacked down with a big ass..."oh no you didn't!" lashing of reality. that'll teach me. *sigh* I started a re-design of my website...so far from being done but I need a true creative outlet where no one can say a damn thing. must get my control freak on...seriously feelin stupid tho' for thinking i was actually being considered. i should have known this by now...arggghh.

Posted by artjynx at 09:07 PM | Permalink

I just must be a type A over-thinky type person. My brain runs at 500 mph and i am a worrier. not that i want to be...I'm trying so hard to not over-think or worry about stuff. it helps nothing and frankly it prolly just freaks people out anyway. my personal albatross.... a whiney, worried inner child in constant need of a hug and terrified of the unknown. so how on earth did i get like this anyway? hrmmm. genetics...I blame my mom. that and crappy events of fate. The bright silver lining in the cloud of doom of dispair here is that all of the crap...is really behind me and now i'm left with the neurotic aftermath of trust issues and resentment that is harbored in my psyche. here's my question though, what now? If you've gone through life developing survival skills for dysfunction, how are you ever supposed to meet someone normal who understands or can be a little compassionate about what you're dealing with? yes over-thinky thoughts again, but seriously always questioning if i'm validated in how i feel or if i'm just resorting to dysfunctional self-destruction...(in other words...you could have said goodbye, dammit) 

Posted by artjynx at 03:05 PM | Permalink

I realized today that elevators are control freaks...or wait maybe that's me. anyway...for some reason i just got really pissed that i got on the elevator first but was actually the last person to be taken to the floor i needed to go to. I personally thing elevators should got to the floor in order of buttons pushed. how cool would that be? so all those icky people who only have to go to the second floor can freakin wait. 

hrmmm...thinking i have anger issues that need resolving. well yes but mainly, it's me reminding myself i have no right to be angry or upset for any reason whatsoever. *sigh* not helping...still pouty and whiny...channeling six-year-old self. I miss six. i was a great six year old....

Posted by artjynx at 01:01 PM | Permalink

One of my semi-clear memories of childhood was winning (second place actually...but it still counts) an art contest in the second grade for a fire safety poster. It was over all the school...so I beat out third, fourth, and yes even fifth graders. My prize was a red second place ribbon and 5 dollars which i promptly spent on my dog. Not sure what made me think of this, but it has got me thinking about karma and how people get what they deserve or what they think they deserve....I can be so painfully shy a times and the confidence doesn't come easily but if I don't something about it soon, I'm thinking maybe I do deserve what I get. I still spend money on my dogs... I wonder why getting an recognition now doesn't have the same effect as it did when i was kid...maybe i'm too cynical and jaded. but yet i wish it were sincere and real...maybe just waiting for that sign...hrmmm.

Posted by artjynx at 09:21 PM | Permalink

I didn't sleep well last night...partially because I was fighting myself into not getting so down on myself...how's that for crazy? "Quit, dumping on yourself, dammit!...I mean it!" Actually it's not really like that...I don't talk to myself out loud...it would freak out the dogs. Apparently I'm the only person who thinks about crap like this...or am i? or I'm the only dumbass who admits to it....honesty for me is a fault sometimes...I think I did ok tho'...got up and exercised...go me...so need to do it everyday...I so want this weight off. anyhoo...I then proceeded to get little chores done. All day though I wondered what would happen if I just got brave and admitted how I feel. Part of me thinks this would be fairly sweet gesture on my part but then could end up disasterous...I hate that everything we fear has already happened to us and makes it even harder to overcome. I know alot of this is just me and my stupidity...and I am a babbling idiot in person...but damn...cute! who wouldn't be? and I also know intelligently that this is a completely different person who has exhibited nothing but kindness...and still...I can't play stupid mind games, I'm no good at them anyway.

Posted by artjynx at 05:57 PM | Permalink

*sigh* - I'm beginning to get very tired of myself and my tendencies to get down on myself for no real reason whatsoever. good news is...there's a new x-files movie being made so I have something to look forward to..mmm david duchovny. i just have a feeling i let my guard down and once again...am mistaken about something and now feel very awkward.... argghh. i need my security schnauzers.

Posted by artjynx at 07:31 PM | Permalink