Gypsy Design :: The Stew

 

 

 

 

i have a great picture of the girls that i took this weekend but lo and behold my camera was left at home and the cord thingy with it. I did however get my GPS last night. and it's making me feel stupid. yes people, stupid. I'm sure i'll get the hang of it eventually but really...right now...pffftt. i'm learning that the GPS industry much like the cheap ass printer industry is corrupt and very sneaky with their products..i.e. cords are manufactured in such a way that thay are special and only work with that one GPS type....arrrgggg. hopefully this will turni into something really fun though and i'll get out of the house more.

speaking of which, i did finally get brave which i think was a very good thing. I'm trying so hard to just get out of the fear mindset that i've lived in for so long. it's really hard to do considering i've been surviving like this since i was 8. I'm hoping certain people can be patient and work with me on this....(again fear) *sigh* to be brave and escape the surly bonds of my brain sometimes i think would be awesome.  

Posted by artjynx at 09:01 AM | Permalink

Creed Thoughts on Valentines Day

oh i so needed to laugh. I paid off my carpet in one big ass payment today. It's so sad that the money never gets to sit the bank account for more than a day. I think i need to work on that. but it feels good not having that debt looming over my head. Anyhoo that's what the freelance is for right? speaking of which i have a lot to do over the weekend. I ordered XP finally and will grudgingly kicking and screaming put it on my pretty mac so all the IE people can see pretty websites. i also need to be better about the validation...kicking and screaming again...yuck... 

as for my failure to grow a spine or "a pair" as some would politely put it, I'm trying to make myself feel better about it. and maybe salvage a little bit of my self dignity after all.  

Posted by artjynx at 02:23 PM | Permalink

Obviously I didn't do shit for Valentine's Day. Once I just resolved to not think about it anymore, the anxiety just went away. Oddly I think it was prolly the nicest thing i could do anyway. deadlines and then dealing with someone's heart at the same time can be fairly stressful so I opted to spare him the agony of having to let me down easy.  and if I actually bought into this bullshit instead of just admitting I'm a total chicken shit then I may have more credibility. I want to do sweet nice things for him ....really. I just don't want to feel that 's the only reason I'm around. it's quite the pickle if you ask me....totally wanting to be girly sweet and then feeling like i must protect my heart with fierce resolve and huge spiky things so no one gets too close. arg. dogs got valentine's day treats tho. at least someone is loved. end poor me rant and just admit i am a coward.

Posted by artjynx at 08:39 PM | Permalink

still need to take pictures of empty flower pots. not exactly empty but nothing is really growing yet. my neighbor ended up digging up her lilies and gave me a few bulbs to plant in my little patch of grass. we'll see what happens. the mood has gotten significantly less perky since last i wrote...(wow a whole day!) not really sure what this is, as I realize most of the drama is pretty much in my head and is kinda stuck there. afraid to move forward for fear of something worse. but so far in actuality it's really just indifference and i truly don't have a reason to move anywhere (well, in THAT direction anyway). Lord, what did insane girls do before blogs? 

It was an interesting weekend as i tried to just work through the anxiety. I went from buying more cookie pans to being pissed at myself for allowing myself to be so doormatish. i think i'd like to try something extraordinary...i keep meaning to get back into drawing cartoons but again it's such an isolating thing to do and i really don't think i need more of that. but not sure where to begin. 

Posted by artjynx at 01:53 PM | Permalink

I feel like i need a chalkboard to force myself to write sentences everytime my mental shortsightedness gets the better of me...does that really work? I read somewhere that writing something like a goal 15 times a day helps reinforce the visualization process in your head to the point where you actually succeed. Like your very own Stuart Smalley...positive reinforcment exercise.."and gosh darn it people like me!"

I think in my case self-esteem is the culprit in that i tend to expect more from other people. I'm so hard on myself...(because I KNOW I'm beyond help) and I just automatically think other people always have their shit together...or maybe they act like it and I'm too naive to know the difference. People have moments of stress where they're less than perfect or they don't always think of you when you need them to. I know I have to be reminded. and it's not that i don't care, I just get focused...which frankly I do admire in people..but I forget that people aren't always on. and sometimes it's a bit of a shock at first, but then it draws me in even more to see the vulnerablilty...*sigh* I love dorkiness and silliness. so anyway the previous posts here frankly were me dwelling on me and forgetting that other people can have crap days too...especially when others are being less thaan cooperative or downright eeeeeeddiots.

so in order to not fester over things i can't control and let people have their own snarky moments...(lord knows I have them) I planted flower bulbs today and cleaned out the patio. I'll post a before pic as soon as my camera battery recharges. I became quite productive today early and did quite a few errands. This week has been fairly busy, house refinance, more quotes on updates to the house....(new bathtub!) but no new TV beacuse of it darn it. ah well relaxing bubble baths are better than crappy tv programming anyway. as for the V-Day think, I think I may go ahead and just do it. worse thing to happen is the heart gets a little bruised, and what's the point of having one if you don't use it, right? snarkiness and all. 

Posted by artjynx at 04:00 PM | Permalink

So sad that you're having to spend it in Barcelona. sad. truly. pitiful.  *so jealous*

I finally got my butt back on the elliptical thing and I'm feeling much better now as opposed to being on the verge of tears and wanting to bitch slap the mailman for not bringing me the moolah that is owed to me. trying to refinance the house and looking to do the final updates. Amazing what I can accomplish when trying not to think about other things...who knew avoidance could be so productive?

Honestly, I just don't know what to do or if I even should do anything. One thing I think I can safely say is answer is most likely a resounding 'no'. so what i was planning will most likely not be happening. I'm just not important enough so why put my heart on the line. so trying to find new focus and be thankful that this didn't end too badly and that i realized it before i did something really stupid. kinda sad tho.   

Posted by artjynx at 08:28 PM | Permalink