reflections chapter 234, part a, paragraph 4....
Hrmmmm. Sometimes it's not so good to look behind you y'know? I've gotten to where I'm so busy I don't have time to look back. I LOVE that too. I get so mired in what i thought I should be that I forget who I really am and really I should be quite grateful. Just because many go on to do one thing doesn't mean I have to. and lord I love it when people act as if they failed if they somehow end up doing what i do. I love being creative, why is it such a kick in the pants when people ask me about what i do.... sorry i'm not living up to your expectations, but i like that i can choose what I work on. and that i'm not stuck working on it for 4 years either. -end rant-
i am sooooo looking forward to my trip to vegas with cuteboy (oh did mention i'm going to vegas with cuteboy?) I like trying new things with him....he doesn't make me feel all self concious when i look stupid. I'm definitely liking the whole not looking back idea....(yes i returned to my original subject, shut up) but cuteboy is definitely a positive factor in why I've been able to keep going forward. It's amazing how people can affect you positiely or negatively by how they treat you. huge difference. I think that's why I just don't want to deal with those people anymore. they still make everything about them. and i'm supposed to do all the work. meh, not really missing them anyway...even if I never get the real truth, which i doubt either of these people are capable of telling it fully. I should just realize that everyone has an agenda good or bad. i like where i am at the moment. i really have no desire to return there. even if it means seeing my name in the credits...i can make my own credits thank you very much. i do think revamping this blog and my portfolio would be an awesome idea as this blog in the past has served a purpose of me venting about some really awful people who did nothing, yet claim to miss me, uhm not really buying that, and ew for the whole mentality of name dropping. although i suspect that some of the connection etween certain people deals with the similarity of actions in the past and wanting to be forgiven or not looked down upon for them. eh. i can only control me, and i just don't get it really. *sigh* moving forward :)
lots of wine a decent steak...prolly not worth 20 dollars tho. CB's dinner last night was far better...and i'm not a seafood person! I think i'm slowly being converted though. it's not bothered my stomach at all....so i'm thinking it's psychosematic. anyhoo, was pampered with a great dinner, and drank far too much wine and therefore revealed a little too much about my feelings there....not the best time, but you know when you're drunk....and you think you can deal with stuff better? yeah i think that's kinda what happened. I just hope I didn't do too much damage...and good thing it was dark. also not the most romantic way to say it either...esp after i was treated so well. *sigh*...lesson learned..just feel like a dork is all. and then per my normal reaction...i'm overcompensating by being overly open and helpful...i.e. even dorkier. would you like fries with that? arg. but over all, a very good weekend.
yes that's right, boo. and i'm freaking out in the only way i know how. by reading WAY too much into it. boo. why is it that the very thing you want to do is always the absolute worst thing to do? i could be looking at the the wrong way too. I mean it's a huge thing for me to ask for anything from anyone...mainly because of childhood events and people who helped cause them ( and not old events) but overcoming this is a lot harder than i thought. so ok....maybe we'll try by just writing to the old blog here....i like you. i'm really interested in getting to know you better, as I think you're very cute and very nice and sweet. not asking to spend every waking moment with you but frankly no time kinda sucks, and actually it's making me think i'm kinda getting the brush off in the "i-just-don't-want-to hurt-your-feelings" abandonment "i'll talk to you but only in short brief monosyllabic words" method guys seem to use. This is precisely why i don't open up anymore. I don't trust or feel secure in just letting people know everything only to have to them treat me like crap. so no at them moment i don't have a lot to say. that will take some work on my part, but if you're not interested then there's no point at all now is there? wow that got negative didn't it? *sigh* such is the mood i'm in i guess....all work and no play.
note to self: don't get too carried away...heheh.
Yes...it's that time of year again. My own personal New Year. I'm trying for the moment to think up some resolutions and see how far I've come from last year. this blog by the way is somewhat helpful in reviewing some of it as I don't delve too personally on here obviously. I also got to 
With my luck, this is probably a mistaken planet and weird little aliens are on it with poor self-esteem.
I loved this cartoon as a kid. I can resonate. I'm very nostalgic around my birthday. I know a certain someone won't be remembering it again this year, but I'm sort of becoming coming to terms about it. I can't keep having one sided conversations and being the only interested party or so it seems. He's a very difficult person to read and I have an overactive imagination. Hence venting to this blog instead of making things worse. And if you're reading this...please remember these are just ramblings of a lunatic mind and never directed at you. You came here on your own choice and this is technically a place for me to brain dump and nothing more.
I must confess, I watch it every morning. I have this ritual in the mornings...always starts off with taking the dogs out side...They ALWAYS come first. They are after all my responsibility and I really love them too. But when they're business is taken care of and it's time for me to begin the daily routine of "work" I find it to be of a huge amount of comfort to watch spongebob squarepants in the morning. This comfort kind of continues when I finally do get to work and spend 3 minutes to read the comics online. 
you got a problem wit me? *sigh* This is me --> 
ok i couldn't wait any longer...i drank the reallllllly goood port. and then i drank some more. and now drank is turning into drunk. i haven't drank in a very long time but today actually seemed like a good day. I hurt my back putting together the bookcase and I'm already wound up as it is from the past week of being rejected...or at least feeling that way. because i have no clue what's going on as usual, however, I've been informed by others that the outlook is not good, but even if it's not by some miracle, the best thing for me to do is stay put, be quiet because, lord. I've talked enough. so anyhoo, i felt I deserved a drink...so thank you, k.
Well, today just kinda bit the big one. But as the saying goes, sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you...that bear kicked my ass today. It seems no matter what I did it wasn't good enough or somebody was just irritated that I haven't dropped everything to cater to them. At the moment, I'm watching "Weird Science" which is making me quite nostalgic although I can't explain why. John Hughes just had a way of making life funny. anyway, i'm off to bed and end this day finally.
Then go look at his 
I promise this blog will not just turn into a photo album of dog pics. really. BUT...they did this all by themselves. Maisy the queen cell block 9 who pretty much did everything to never have to go in this crate did so willingly ...WHY? because Mia likes her crate and goes in there all the time when I'm working. And recently, that's just been a whole lot. I'm learning so much about web though. I never expected to. I fully really truly expected to go to work for either Pixar or ILM. Truly...since the fateful star wars showing when I was with my dad at the Sugar Land Palms Twin Theatre. It's really interesting how life is unfolding here. I found out today, My sister will be delivering a BIG baby boy (my sister is like 4'-10") in July. Her second child. I on the other hand, am terrified by the thought of having a kid and prolly even more terrified by the fact that I will most likely never have them at all...enter the schnauzer lady. There are alot of things that I feel I've given up in the name of the elusive career that means working for PIXAR or ILM...but y'know alot of people have or had that dream and really...what it truly is...is the chance to be truly creative. which really you can be anywhere. Hence my being back here and having the luxury of owning a home which I know alot of pixar people are struggling with that in beautiful SF. I still envy them in a way. But not entirely anymore. Yes, it would be fun to work there, but really that many hours a week? mmmm. What am I saying, I pretty much am working that much now with all the freelance. I just want to be creative...that's it. But getting back to the subject I was so cleverly distracting myself from...my future....who knows. I spent alot of time effort and money planning for one future that just seems to slip my grasp yet the one I'm in is relatively simple and really pretty cool considering it's got a tremendous future. I think I just got to narrow in in my focus. like "Pixar or bust" sort of thing where anything else was failure. Even Lasseter had his share of failure and look at him now...the employer he most wanted to work for that rejected him is now BEGGING for him and paying dearly for it. I think that's a much better viewpoint than not being able to get through to PIXAR that I am just absolutely the world's best designer. 