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September 01, 2008

reflections chapter 234, part a, paragraph 4....

Hrmmmm. Sometimes it's not so good to look behind you y'know? I've gotten to where I'm so busy I don't have time to look back. I LOVE that too. I get so mired in what i thought I should be that I forget who I really am and really I should be quite grateful. Just because many go on to do one thing doesn't mean I have to. and lord I love it when people act as if they failed if they somehow end up doing what i do. I love being creative, why is it such a kick in the pants when people ask me about what i do.... sorry i'm not living up to your expectations, but i like that i can choose what I work on. and that i'm not stuck working on it for 4 years either. -end rant-

i am sooooo looking forward to my trip to vegas with cuteboy (oh did mention i'm going to vegas with cuteboy?) I like trying new things with him....he doesn't make me feel all self concious when i look stupid.  I'm definitely liking the whole not looking back idea....(yes i returned to my original subject, shut up) but cuteboy is definitely a positive factor in why I've been able to keep going forward. It's amazing how people can affect you positiely or negatively by how they treat you. huge difference. I think that's why I just don't want to deal with those people anymore. they still make everything about them. and i'm supposed to do all the work. meh, not really missing them anyway...even if I never get the real truth, which i doubt either of these people are capable of telling it fully. I should just realize that everyone has an agenda good or bad. i like where i am at the moment. i really have no desire to return there. even if it means seeing my name in the credits...i can make my own credits thank you very much. i do think revamping this blog and my portfolio would be an awesome idea as this blog in the past has served a purpose of me venting about some really awful people who did nothing, yet claim to miss me, uhm not really buying that, and ew for the whole mentality of name dropping. although i suspect that some of the connection etween certain people deals with the similarity of actions in the past and wanting to be forgiven or not looked down upon for them. eh. i can only control me, and i just don't get it really. *sigh* moving forward :)

 

Posted by artjynx at 08:42 PM |

July 31, 2008

really?...no really?

Lewis Black and Fogo de Chao. a good combination. Never been to Fogo de Chao, the name actually frightened me at first. Those who know me know that I am a food fraidy cat, but ohhhhhhhh I was so pleseantly surprised. This place rocks and then to top it off we went to see Lewis Black....I have to say cuteboy is just too awesome himself the sweetie. It's very cute to see the way he enjoys making plans and planning out things for us to do. I have to say I love it in that he knows just enough new stuff to put in where i don't feel overwhelmed. I personally think he may be a closet travel agent but he's so good at so many other things too. Just another talent I guess. He's embarkingon the latest trip and it will be a totaly fun trip if everyone comes together for it. I'll refrain from saying more as I don't want to jinx it.

On the whole, I've had to literally stop myself to remember how I'm totally feeling at leasst once a day. I'm happy. that's right, you heard me, I'm happy. Even the little things that i still kinda bitch about really don't bug as much as they normally would have. I guess I've been afraid to admit it though out of fear of once again jinxing what i have. me superstitious? and why is my handle artjynx? coincidence? hrmmm. 

cuteboy showed me some of the pictures from his parents online album....yes i gushed at the little boy pics. It made me a little sad though in that my parents don't do that. or maybe they did a long time ago, but that one fateful car accident certainly did a doozy on my family and my future that's for sure. Accident, never a total recovery, divorce, watching my mom date, watching her remarry, dealing with a step parent....these may be normal things for kids now, but I kinda feel sorry for them. it sucks.  I want what cuteboy had. people you know you can depend on, who love being with each other even if it's a mundane thing they're doing. that's awesome...I want to be boring with you sweetie..:) It may make me a little sad, but i'm so glad he's sharing it with me. I'm a little reluctant to share my stuff though it's just too sad and no one likes sad. It's a part of who I am though and I need to get it to a place where i can just say "yeah there it is...it sucked, but everything is so much better now". so thank you, cuteboy...i<3 You!

Posted by artjynx at 11:05 AM |

June 23, 2008

ah. summer....

I think it's interesting when people get more comfortable with each other....ergo...sometimes, you just need alone time and while you are crazy to pieces about someone you really just need to be by yourself and regroup. I have trouble understanding this sometimes. I think it's because i live alone and i get that alone time any time i go home. I'm not used to people being around all the time...so it's kind of an adjustment in that no, tina, you don't always have to be on, and should you say something inappropriate (esp if you've drunk far too much blackberry wine), well then just let it be and move on. did i mention the wine festival was this weekend? Innocent lots of wine a decent steak...prolly not worth 20 dollars tho. CB's dinner last night was far better...and i'm not a seafood person! I think i'm slowly being converted though. it's not bothered my stomach at all....so i'm thinking it's psychosematic. anyhoo, was pampered with a great dinner, and drank far too much wine and therefore revealed a little too much about my feelings there....not the best time, but you know when you're drunk....and you think you can deal with stuff better? yeah i think that's kinda what happened. I just hope I didn't do too much damage...and good thing it was dark. also not the most romantic way to say it either...esp after i was treated so well. *sigh*...lesson learned..just feel like a dork is all. and then per my normal reaction...i'm overcompensating by being overly open and helpful...i.e. even dorkier. would you like fries with that? arg.  but over all, a very good weekend.

Posted by artjynx at 11:09 AM |

June 14, 2008

*sigh* why can't there be more comics?

oh...bad stabby feelings today. I so hate feeling like this. Am doing everything i can manage to get out of this funk of self pity. walk dogs, clean kitchen, do laundry. i'm thinking it prolly needs to be something fun though. i did go see kung fu panda yesterday afternoon though. cute but not enough to make bad ickyness dissapate. I think i know what might help, but as usual what i want most likely won't happen. thing is when i'm put in a situation i don't like and have no control over, my mind goes into overdrive on how to react for every possible outcome...meaning i need to think of every possible outcome so i can thus have a carefully thought out reaction. in short, i drive myself insane and usually those around me. This time I'm at least aware of this ridiculous behavior. While I still can't really stop my emotions from happening, I'm at least trying to reign in the driving others crazy part. *sigh* this is when it sucks to be creative. where it really serves no purpose other than to put oneself into a state of helpless insanity wondering why no one is telling me anything and feeling ignored when in reality it's only been a couple of days. I don't like the drama, but i hate not having any sort of control or even awareness worse. again remnant of childhood trauma i suppose. i so just want a margarita and hug.Undecided

Posted by artjynx at 07:14 PM |

June 02, 2008

day well spent

i spent my day working while listening to old episodes of the Carol Burnett show on YouTube. I considered buying the full seasons on dvd but 193? ouch. may have to check half price. it's such a funny show and it's so sad they don't really have that kind of entertainment that entire families can watch anymore. everything is so silo-ed and segregated it seems.

i haven't had a chance to crack open the Adobe AIR or Flex books yet...but soon....soon. I'm not totally sure why i want to learn this, but it seems closer to the adobe products i use everyday so i'm hoping it won't be a huge learning curve.

i committed a random act of candy but no response....i'm wondering if the others are going after it after i leave and therefore there's no more surprise....*sigh* i do feel better that i'm doing something for myself though and i should be careful about that. i need to give the girls a bath tomorrow in the new tub...not looking forward to it but my mom won't let them sleep in the bed if i don't. new bath pic coming soon the walls are still being taped and mudded then textured and painted. this is precisely why i can't do this myself....i'm far to impatient. I'm amazed that i can leave it alone while it's drying. but the fact that i can take a long bubble bath now is far worth the wait.....sooooo much better.Cool

Posted by artjynx at 08:12 PM |

May 20, 2008

you mean stress doesn't give you a bigger chest?

First of all...I'm on day 3 of new pill...it's got 7 times the estrogen as the other one i was on and i'm wondering if the trade off is worth it to not have the monthly visit be only every 3 months. Cuz man, I'm feelin' hormonal lately. on top of that i'm stressed which makes me paranoid and then i kinda turn into this major whiney girl who just needs a nap. the contractor can't start til tomorrow...yet another delay because  someone apparently ran into a shipley's...like that's my fault. a day without donuts...*sigh*. i really need to exercise as my emotions are slightly out of whack at the moment and i really don't want to take this out on people who don't totally deserve it...but then...hrmmm. nope.. i will however be writing more here just to get crap out of my head since it's mostly driven by emotional crap...lucky you internet....

Posted by artjynx at 08:35 AM |

May 11, 2008

facing the fear

It was weird....Friday night I dreamt about being in my elementary school choir. I even remembered part of one of the songs we sang at the beginning of the school year. Last night, all of these memories just started to come back to the surface...one memory leading to another and of course, I end up crying myself to sleep. Not sure where it's coming from, but the past few weeks have been just about pure emotion...mostly all good so I'm wondering if since we really didn't see each other this weekend, my brain is just purging stuff. A little scary but I think it's just necessary...sometimes it's hard to formulate into words, but i so want to open up...i just don't know how to do that in stages where i don't flood the memories out into oblivion and blow him away. he's such an awesome person. everyone has their flaws, and i shouldn't consider mine a deal breaker, but at least i'm working on it....*progress is slow sometimes.

Posted by artjynx at 07:05 AM |

February 27, 2008

ackkthhttptthhh - where is bill the cat when you need him?

 

 

 

 

i have a great picture of the girls that i took this weekend but lo and behold my camera was left at home and the cord thingy with it. I did however get my GPS last night. and it's making me feel stupid. yes people, stupid. I'm sure i'll get the hang of it eventually but really...right now...pffftt. i'm learning that the GPS industry much like the cheap ass printer industry is corrupt and very sneaky with their products..i.e. cords are manufactured in such a way that thay are special and only work with that one GPS type....arrrgggg. hopefully this will turni into something really fun though and i'll get out of the house more.

speaking of which, i did finally get brave which i think was a very good thing. I'm trying so hard to just get out of the fear mindset that i've lived in for so long. it's really hard to do considering i've been surviving like this since i was 8. I'm hoping certain people can be patient and work with me on this....(again fear) *sigh* to be brave and escape the surly bonds of my brain sometimes i think would be awesome.  

Posted by artjynx at 09:01 AM |

February 15, 2008

Love is evil spelled backwards to a dude that doesn’t know how to spell.

Creed Thoughts on Valentines Day

oh i so needed to laugh. I paid off my carpet in one big ass payment today. It's so sad that the money never gets to sit the bank account for more than a day. I think i need to work on that. but it feels good not having that debt looming over my head. Anyhoo that's what the freelance is for right? speaking of which i have a lot to do over the weekend. I ordered XP finally and will grudgingly kicking and screaming put it on my pretty mac so all the IE people can see pretty websites. i also need to be better about the validation...kicking and screaming again...yuck... 

as for my failure to grow a spine or "a pair" as some would politely put it, I'm trying to make myself feel better about it. and maybe salvage a little bit of my self dignity after all.  

Posted by artjynx at 02:23 PM |

February 14, 2008

just smother me in gravy....

Obviously I didn't do shit for Valentine's Day. Once I just resolved to not think about it anymore, the anxiety just went away. Oddly I think it was prolly the nicest thing i could do anyway. deadlines and then dealing with someone's heart at the same time can be fairly stressful so I opted to spare him the agony of having to let me down easy.  and if I actually bought into this bullshit instead of just admitting I'm a total chicken shit then I may have more credibility. I want to do sweet nice things for him ....really. I just don't want to feel that 's the only reason I'm around. it's quite the pickle if you ask me....totally wanting to be girly sweet and then feeling like i must protect my heart with fierce resolve and huge spiky things so no one gets too close. arg. dogs got valentine's day treats tho. at least someone is loved. end poor me rant and just admit i am a coward.

Posted by artjynx at 08:39 PM |

February 11, 2008

and the pendelum swings...

still need to take pictures of empty flower pots. not exactly empty but nothing is really growing yet. my neighbor ended up digging up her lilies and gave me a few bulbs to plant in my little patch of grass. we'll see what happens. the mood has gotten significantly less perky since last i wrote...(wow a whole day!) not really sure what this is, as I realize most of the drama is pretty much in my head and is kinda stuck there. afraid to move forward for fear of something worse. but so far in actuality it's really just indifference and i truly don't have a reason to move anywhere (well, in THAT direction anyway). Lord, what did insane girls do before blogs? 

It was an interesting weekend as i tried to just work through the anxiety. I went from buying more cookie pans to being pissed at myself for allowing myself to be so doormatish. i think i'd like to try something extraordinary...i keep meaning to get back into drawing cartoons but again it's such an isolating thing to do and i really don't think i need more of that. but not sure where to begin. 

Posted by artjynx at 01:53 PM |

February 09, 2008

repeat after me...."it's not always about me....."

I feel like i need a chalkboard to force myself to write sentences everytime my mental shortsightedness gets the better of me...does that really work? I read somewhere that writing something like a goal 15 times a day helps reinforce the visualization process in your head to the point where you actually succeed. Like your very own Stuart Smalley...positive reinforcment exercise.."and gosh darn it people like me!"

I think in my case self-esteem is the culprit in that i tend to expect more from other people. I'm so hard on myself...(because I KNOW I'm beyond help) and I just automatically think other people always have their shit together...or maybe they act like it and I'm too naive to know the difference. People have moments of stress where they're less than perfect or they don't always think of you when you need them to. I know I have to be reminded. and it's not that i don't care, I just get focused...which frankly I do admire in people..but I forget that people aren't always on. and sometimes it's a bit of a shock at first, but then it draws me in even more to see the vulnerablilty...*sigh* I love dorkiness and silliness. so anyway the previous posts here frankly were me dwelling on me and forgetting that other people can have crap days too...especially when others are being less thaan cooperative or downright eeeeeeddiots.

so in order to not fester over things i can't control and let people have their own snarky moments...(lord knows I have them) I planted flower bulbs today and cleaned out the patio. I'll post a before pic as soon as my camera battery recharges. I became quite productive today early and did quite a few errands. This week has been fairly busy, house refinance, more quotes on updates to the house....(new bathtub!) but no new TV beacuse of it darn it. ah well relaxing bubble baths are better than crappy tv programming anyway. as for the V-Day think, I think I may go ahead and just do it. worse thing to happen is the heart gets a little bruised, and what's the point of having one if you don't use it, right? snarkiness and all. 

Posted by artjynx at 04:00 PM |

January 25, 2008

issues? what issues? i have no idea what you're talking about....

uhm....the sweetness has been somewhat cutoff. Frown yes that's right, boo. and i'm freaking out in the only way i know how. by reading WAY too much into it. boo. why is it that the very thing you want to do is always the absolute worst thing to do? i could be looking at the the wrong way too. I mean it's a huge thing for me to ask for anything from anyone...mainly because of childhood events and people who helped cause them ( and not old events) but overcoming this is a lot harder than i thought. so ok....maybe we'll try by just writing to the old blog here....i like you. i'm really interested in getting to know you better, as I think you're very cute and very nice and sweet. not asking to spend every waking moment with you but frankly no time kinda sucks, and actually it's making me think i'm kinda getting the brush off in the "i-just-don't-want-to hurt-your-feelings" abandonment "i'll talk to you but only in short brief monosyllabic words" method guys seem to use. This is precisely why i don't open up anymore. I don't trust or feel secure in just letting people know everything only to have to them treat me like crap. so no at them moment i don't have a lot to say. that will take some work on my part, but if you're not interested then there's no point at all now is there? wow that got negative didn't it? *sigh* such is the mood i'm in i guess....all work and no play.

Posted by artjynx at 06:12 PM |

January 18, 2008

odd thing about this friday

it really kind of sucks. I'm not really looking forward to my weekend of work. frankly just crawling onto the couch and immersing myself into the wonderful world of the x-files and david duchovny sound more palatable than dealing with html and css. at least i won't have to design...that part is at least done. no, now i just get to feel stupid dealing with new web crap. yes, I am a ray of sunshine, dammit, now outta my way, you're blocking Fox. seriously, I'm feeling kind of rejected. not good. and just trying to realize that i just need to take a hint. He would have said or done something by now, and really truly, I don't want to prove myself right by making an uncomfortable ass out of myself just to make it worse (yes, please, kick me when I'm most vulnerable). (i'm the one who always had to touch the hot surface even after being told it was hot....i guess i'm just a self-inflicty type of person)

 

Posted by artjynx at 02:45 PM |

January 03, 2008

heavy sigh....

Harry connick jr, I heart you and i hate you. but that could just be me this evening. i get annoyed with myself every now and then...it's the whole part of trying to be a good person versus a selfish, whiny brat. My inner child is getting close to needing a timeout because i'm not getting the attention i want the moment i want it. (begin tantrum) although i am receing attention i don't really want but seems to be the only kind i can attract...hrmmm lucky me. so for now just dealing....hope it's not permanent

Posted by artjynx at 07:22 PM |

December 31, 2007

dammit, I just can't have nice things...

Truly this post really has nothing to do with the title...i will have nice things this coming year dammit. I made chocolate chip cookies today and the smell is putting me in a good mood and i didn't burn any thanks to Kim and Alexi who have rescued me from Martha Stewart daming me to hell for not having a mixer (I used to have one, I left it in San Diego...(and my heart in San Francisco ...sorry bad song lapse). I am also planning a huge website change soon and trying out a new CMS...expression engine. we shall see, so far I've heard nothing but good stuff and all the hip bloggers/designers use it....(conformity!!!!) I also bought a realy good bottle of port which I shall drink this evening without remorse...(that'll be for tomorrow...badumching*) sorry. bad humor, chocolate chip cookies...good port, ah yes...i am in a relatively good mood. i've exercised almost every day and attempting to get back into it...my tooth is turning finally , and I am done with the holidays...hopefully next year will be better, and yes I AM HOPEFUL. and gosh darn it...people like me. this whole mood thing could possibly be totally gone by tomorrow, so trying to enjoy it while i can..even if things don't turn out the way i hope. I am the Lucy Ricardo of email....

Posted by artjynx at 02:15 PM |

December 27, 2007

whomever said family is everything, didn't have one

then again, if it's your own, as in you're the one charge, I guess it's a different perspective, but you know if you treat your kids like they're a burden the whole time they're growing up...don't expect them to be really running to see you later on. *sigh* christmas is such a mixed-bag of those crappy licorice candies that nobody likes and regifts until it becomes a big ball of sticky crap that you can never get rid of. wow....am i that bitter? i'm over-reacting most likely, but it's still fresh at the moment. I've had worse christmases ...for some reason they all kinda run together. I don't exactly have the warm cuddly family..(with the exception of my four-legged immediate family). yet i don't really get the whole 'but their my family' sentimentality either...i get pissed and angry about the selfishness and meaness that just runs rampant like a virus or something. i don't want to be near it anymore. i keep thinking about how i want to change the cycle of poopiness that seems to follow me in regards to family and that kind of thing...i'm sure part of it's me but right now the only thing i know to do to keep myself from getting mired in it is to just stay away from it and make do for myself. I just need to get more into it for myself. 

Posted by artjynx at 05:25 PM |

December 20, 2007

joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea

currently, i'm at work cranking out a new look for wordpress. actually it's pretty cool...yes, i'm a nerdy dork, but i've never claimed to be anything other than that really. I've been stressing about all kinds of stuff this week (a few weeks really) and in the traditional effort to avoid dealing with things I'm not really able to deal with comfortably, I threw myself into work and lots and lots of freelance. I didn't go looking for it, but it always becomes an easy excuse for me to be busy rather than deal with the unknown. 

The whole seasonal thing has me kind of feeling blah... as it's usually been a major source of stress and anxiety, but really i do want to enjoy the season...i just don't feel motivated and then i just feel tired and want it to just be over. i should write my own christmas song..."dysfunctional christmas"... i just don't understand myself anymore...iget confused between intuition and just plain ol being afraid of the bad crap that could happened (more like has happened, but don't want it to happen again kind of thing)...I'm rambling, yes, but i'd rahter just blather on here than freak a certain someone out, who actually i think would be quite understanding, but it's never a really good time to get into that sort of conversation...i would need alcohol. and then i'm not sure of much.

Posted by artjynx at 02:10 PM |

December 17, 2007

No more Rhymes now, I mean it...

ugh...just when i was patting myself on the back about how much work i got done on the weekend....people spoil it by pointing out every single freakin' small ass flaw...uhm...bite me. and still i forgot to do stuff *sigh*...i did however remember to get my ass on the ellliptical in hopes of getting rid of some of said ass. I also managed to watch Will and Grace season 7 twice while getting work done. I can actually do that, really it's no longer a distraction and it actually makes me focus. The only thing is now i can't just watch TV anymore. I always feel like I should be doing at least 2 things at once. My job is giving me ADD. *fidget*

As for the lacking of any christmas spirit this year, well except for the odd obsession with Who hash last week, I've yet to really get into it and i've decided not to fight it anymore and use the energy into getting something done. Bah.gee, maybe i'll have more spirit in January when maybe i can afford to buy a new TV...but really, sadly, I've really no desire this year to spend time with family. Not sure if this is just seasonal depression, late onnslaught of rebelliousness...(i never actually went through that...and yeah i'm kinda resentful! maybe i should go tagging)or just that i've never really enjoyed the holidays that much. I worked all the time through x-mas from age 16 so it really wasn't exactly a celebration, but more of a yeah...extra money to pay for school. I must be going through something, but not really sure what yet. I'm finding myself a bit untrusting and therefore withdrawing...which is something i don't really want to do but otherwise feel a bit dorky if trying to force myself.

Posted by artjynx at 02:37 PM |

November 16, 2007

birthday....uhm, whee.

For some reason, I always want to curl up in the fetal postion with a shel silverstein book on my birthday. I think the fact that a man that age who could retain  such a creative whimsy thought process gives me hope as i stumble my way through being an adult....such an ugly word...adult.... but anyhoo, trying to think of some way to boost the ol creative synapses led me the the ace of cakes web site....yeah that guy... and yes it makes sense...birthday cakes....trying to find some new way of getting messy...makes perfect logical sense thank you very much. anyhoo, even though i'm trying super hard to lose weight, i thought i could just pick out a picture of a cake that kinda represents the mood and whimsy of the thinking right now...

 

 
particularly the swirly stuff and the skulls with hearts for eyes...can't explain it fully but i totally relate to this cake. I believe everyone has some sort of didactic symbol and the swirly thing is just so me...it grows in a loop constantly revisiting where it's been but with new perspective and growth each time around. and don't forget getting dizzy that's always fun. 

so this is usually where i try to make my new year's resolutions since it's my own personal new year and all. I took a glance at last year's and seems i met some of the goals or at least made a large dent anyway and not to mention some nice surprises too...to be mysteriously known only as "cb!" on this blog for now. nothing major as of yet but i'm hopeful which is way better than where i was this time last year. and so much better too!!! the house is getting there...i really only have the the bathtub to be refinished now for the major projects...everything else is fluffy girl stuff like curtains and framing the daniel kessler prints. my next goal is to update the electronics (i.e. TV!!!) by the end of January. I will get my ass in this century viewing wise...writers strike or not. i have the will and grace dvds to watch if they try to create another tv reality crap show.

so let's see....last year:

resolved to exercise more...yep, doing that now...trying to anyway

be creative...a struggle but freelance has been so busy and need to play with dogs sometime

cook at home more.....uhm....does heating taquitos in the oven count? Otherwise...not so good on that one. but it kinda is ok in that weight thing needs to be brought under control.

being nicer to myself...hrmmm...i think i've done ok, but i really need to stop thinking the worst when i'm not in control of something. kinda bad self-fullfilling prophecy. think the worst of people and they will deliver. so still as always need to work on that. exercise helping alot though as if i'm feeling better about myself i'm more forgiving or just frankly don't care about you because I'm awesome dammit! Kiss  note to self: don't get too carried away...heheh.

 I guess this goes right into the whole not tolerating crappy people...I actually have a much better job now and very cool people to work with...so that's a HUGE improvement. and very busy doing fun stuff...

so i guess this time around i made a large loop in that i've done quite a bit in a year and it's all good. Hopefully, I'll have more to say on the ol' love life part by next year. Not in a rush as i'm trying to enjoy the process of whatever does or doesn't happen....it's just nice to be hopeful. 

 

 

Posted by artjynx at 03:11 PM |

November 12, 2007

hi...I'm a dork. no seriously...

ok...the PMS ranting is pretty much passed...that's kinda why i have this blog so i don't annoy the crap out of people, but hopefully no one reading this takes anything majorly seriously...it's really just to get out the junk out of my head without damaging anything...but today, I have to admit, I am a dork. considering, I manage to actually have a positive thought thinking a good thing only to be kinda bitch-slapped, smacked down with a big ass..."oh no you didn't!" lashing of reality. that'll teach me. *sigh* I started a re-design of my website...so far from being done but I need a true creative outlet where no one can say a damn thing. must get my control freak on...seriously feelin stupid tho' for thinking i was actually being considered. i should have known this by now...arggghh.

Posted by artjynx at 09:07 PM |

November 09, 2007

arg. my head justs hurts now.

I just must be a type A over-thinky type person. My brain runs at 500 mph and i am a worrier. not that i want to be...I'm trying so hard to not over-think or worry about stuff. it helps nothing and frankly it prolly just freaks people out anyway. my personal albatross.... a whiney, worried inner child in constant need of a hug and terrified of the unknown. so how on earth did i get like this anyway? hrmmm. genetics...I blame my mom. that and crappy events of fate. The bright silver lining in the cloud of doom of dispair here is that all of the crap...is really behind me and now i'm left with the neurotic aftermath of trust issues and resentment that is harbored in my psyche. here's my question though, what now? If you've gone through life developing survival skills for dysfunction, how are you ever supposed to meet someone normal who understands or can be a little compassionate about what you're dealing with? yes over-thinky thoughts again, but seriously always questioning if i'm validated in how i feel or if i'm just resorting to dysfunctional self-destruction...(in other words...you could have said goodbye, dammit)Undecided 

Posted by artjynx at 03:05 PM |

November 04, 2007

my second place ribbon...

One of my semi-clear memories of childhood was winning (second place actually...but it still counts) an art contest in the second grade for a fire safety poster. It was over all the school...so I beat out third, fourth, and yes even fifth graders. My prize was a red second place ribbon and 5 dollars which i promptly spent on my dog. Not sure what made me think of this, but it has got me thinking about karma and how people get what they deserve or what they think they deserve....I can be so painfully shy a times and the confidence doesn't come easily but if I don't something about it soon, I'm thinking maybe I do deserve what I get. I still spend money on my dogs... I wonder why getting an recognition now doesn't have the same effect as it did when i was kid...maybe i'm too cynical and jaded. but yet i wish it were sincere and real...maybe just waiting for that sign...hrmmm.

Posted by artjynx at 09:21 PM |

November 03, 2007

the valiant effort to fight the evil trolls within

I didn't sleep well last night...partially because I was fighting myself into not getting so down on myself...how's that for crazy? "Quit, dumping on yourself, dammit!...I mean it!" Actually it's not really like that...I don't talk to myself out loud...it would freak out the dogs. Apparently I'm the only person who thinks about crap like this...or am i? or I'm the only dumbass who admits to it....honesty for me is a fault sometimes...I think I did ok tho'...got up and exercised...go me...so need to do it everyday...I so want this weight off. anyhoo...I then proceeded to get little chores done. All day though I wondered what would happen if I just got brave and admitted how I feel. Part of me thinks this would be fairly sweet gesture on my part but then could end up disasterous...I hate that everything we fear has already happened to us and makes it even harder to overcome. I know alot of this is just me and my stupidity...and I am a babbling idiot in person...but damn...cute! who wouldn't be? and I also know intelligently that this is a completely different person who has exhibited nothing but kindness...and still...I can't play stupid mind games, I'm no good at them anyway.

Posted by artjynx at 05:57 PM |

November 02, 2007

and the fall sets in...

*sigh* - I'm beginning to get very tired of myself and my tendencies to get down on myself for no real reason whatsoever. good news is...there's a new x-files movie being made so I have something to look forward to..mmm david duchovny. i just have a feeling i let my guard down and once again...am mistaken about something and now feel very awkward.... argghh. i need my security schnauzers.

Posted by artjynx at 07:31 PM |

October 09, 2007

snooglin' schnauzers...

i <3 Kevin Smith....

oh sigh...lord he's funny. oh what's going on...uhm... nothing much, trying to get braver and y'know it's a bit nervewracking in that i never know if i'm just setting myself up...granted, just trying not think in this way I mean isn't that what life is about just trying and falling on your face in the hopes that maybe today...today... you won't...someone will be there to prevent your fall because they care....sometimes i get that feeling but then I wake up Wink
 
 

Posted by artjynx at 09:27 PM |

October 02, 2007

the floor...eet iz feexed

you don't know what you got til it's gone....and boy i missed my floor. but it's back! (and the people rejoiced..) ok well me and two schnauzers anyway. uhm...other stuff going on....well not nearly as much as I'd like, but then I'm a type A personality and need balance of some sort...(ok I know, but I'm not telling Wink. It has been plainly obvious that my brain is a high-powered 200 mph think-tank of pure bullshit and worry over stupid crap that I have no control over whatsoever. to bad that skill isn't marketable, but i think what's more annoying is that mi crush hasn't a freakin worry in the world or reality is doesn't have a clue or doesn't really care...which i think is what's keeping me from doing anything rash. I hate risk sometimes...especially when i'm the only one willing.  

Posted by artjynx at 08:21 PM |

September 29, 2007

food additive designer of the year....

*sigh* - arg. my brain is just NOT working well anymore. really, no shit. I love how I am perfectly capable of working through complex thoughts in my head only to have them come out of my mouth in complete incoherent language resembling english, but not really. and what the hell is up with the whole negativity thing...what am I 13 and filled with pre-teen angst? (drama-queen much?) yes people, I am a diva in my own mind and the feather boas they are a flyin...just give me some "'pirin tablets" and I may pull through. Kiss but seriously, I think I'm just once again at the point of cluelessness and that drives me bat-shit insane....(and i'm taking a wild guess that bat-shit is indeed insane..i really have no proof)

 

 
 
 I guess my only real comfort is the hope that everyone else is as clueless as me. crazy loves company.

 

Posted by artjynx at 06:13 PM |

August 24, 2007

uhm....pppfffttt....who said the journey was supposed to be fun again?

argh. i am in a tired and whiney mood. which makes me think evil thoughts and then i eat chocolate in a lame attempt to feel better about the state I basically put myself in. I'm starting to see the benefits of alcohol as an escape mechanism because I'm even driving myself crazy....  Actually for the past week I've been pretty good at exercising almost everyday, but the confidence high it usually gives me has been wearing off quicker....guess that means I need to go longer? 

I did get creative suite 3 this week though so i'm thinking a redesign of the blog may be in order especially now that Movable Type 4.0 is out too.... My friend Dave at least had some awesome news this week about being sponsored as a designer. I'm so psyched for him...he's very deserving and talented...Go Dave go!Cool

Posted by artjynx at 02:47 PM |

July 24, 2007

would you like some cheese with that whine?

I'm whiney this evening. Will Farrell is on the TV in Bewitched...uhm...Talledega Nights was better. Actually, the short he did with the landlord baby was funnier. *sigh* Credit card company actually tried to charge me a freakin fee to pay the card off last month. uhm the point of paying off the card is to pay if off...greedy bastards. chiropractor is now my new best friend. I had so much energy this last weekend. and I will still need more this coming weekend to move all my books for the carpet guys. I love my books until i have to crap like this. ew.

so roughly everything is cool. I really need to stop watching sappy disney movies tho' I can't believe I start crying during chicken little...I'm so irritated at myself sometimes...damn sappy music. arg. 

Posted by artjynx at 09:28 PM |

May 23, 2007

dear company i used to work for...

please, PLEASE get your act together before someone comesin and does it for you....actually that may be exactly what you need. dear GOOGLE, please PLEASE take over my old company and show them how it should be run.

-end whine

begin new whine- i do realize that simply whining to the internet universe is probably not the best way to deal with crap, but when no one seems to be talking to me anyway about what i am totally interested in exhausting to the ground this is really the only place to go. besides names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent and the really crappy people who frankly i would love to just out and expose them but that prolly would be bad karma. and karma is not someone i wish to piss off. 

i have a feeling i will soon be purchasing a new chi-chi ishuffle to use to walk the doggies with. they so need to be walked. and i could really use the exercise anyway to just get my head cleared out of all the toxic crap that has just oozed in lately from just dealing with really confused people. tis bad to continue like this and i really truly just want to be happy. just a little unsure as to how to get there or what would really make me happy y'know?

Posted by artjynx at 03:29 PM |

May 22, 2007

uhm why do i gravitate to the crazy?

well the investing thing is now capable of being sold should the need arise. I never did hear back from k after my purging of my thoughts, but you know I haven't cried since and i really think that's a good thing. I still have issues on dealing with why he is the way he is, but really it's not something I can ever answer. In fact I don't think he knows either. he just knows he's out of his comfort zone and will return to that by any means possible. I'm just tired of feeling like the loser all the time and completely without value. Why would i want to be around someone that makes me feel that way anyway? I mean he may not mean to be mean, but I'm not exactly trying to rob him or make him jump off a cliff. still, i thought he was better than that, but I've been wrong before about people. maybe I just need to be alone for awhile, or is that just hiding?

Posted by artjynx at 06:18 PM |

May 17, 2007

I want to be 11 again...

Alright I admit I watch "Bones"..(who can resist with this guy in it? ::drool::)

So last night, they had  ZZ TOP or one of the "Z"'s  anyway who plays  himself as one of the character's father. How cool is that? It got me to thinking that while growing up one  of the band members actually did live in my neighborhood...the nicer

part...I lived on the barely accepted side. But I remember walking by his house  as a kid on one of my many "hey let's get lost" adventures.  I don't really do that much anymore, but I did end up buying a ZZTOP album on Itunes today. The more I learn about marketing the more I recognize it and TV is definitely starting to  try to appeal to some of us in my generation....we had crappy clothes and hairstyles but we had some music that pretty much is considered timeless imho.

My previous rant aside....I'm going to really try to just focus on me and try to just ignore those who crave attention like that as even though it's negative attention, I'm still giving it to them nonetheless. So last night I began my quest of 100 tummy crunches a night....*ouch* good thing is I have a balance ball to ease the back pain these things normally cause so hopefully I'll stick to it. Maybe stick a lifesize poster of this guy on the wall too for motivation Laughing

 

Posted by artjynx at 10:49 AM |

May 08, 2007

you know you have low happiness standards when...

getting access to the parking garage makes you do a little dance. Laughing Seriously anyone who's ever had to park on campus knows the elation I felt today. Overall...good day though. Found a vendor for the projection system...looked really good. got a great review. my computer finally had software so the whole lugging my stuff back and forth is coming to an end. and I've completed the majority of my errands and waiting to be paid... yeah...must get wine to celebrate. must get drinking buddy. Also the T-shirts I created for the little kids tri-athalon went over pretty well. They had lots o kids show up. I'll put up a pic soon here....can't seem to locate it right now...rather have a kid wearing one tho'. I like making people happy though. mostly i think i'm just trying to keep busy, but every now and then...ugh...i can't stand myself sometimes..ick.

Posted by artjynx at 04:16 PM |

May 05, 2007

*vent*

ok...no I didn't go to the stupid show as it just brings up too much emotional crap. while i'm ok in general i just simply choose not to force myself into situations to be around bad icky individuals who are way too selfish and self-absorbed. i admit that i am still hurt but constantly ripping off the scab of healing won't make it any better. I choose to be kind to myself and not torture myself anymore. i do admit i'm sensitive to hoildays and specific events, but really as long as i recognize it for what it is..anxiety and insecurity, i can just deal with it without bringing anyone else into it.

Posted by artjynx at 08:17 PM |

May 03, 2007

muppet moment

 
Oh man I miss the muppets. I have several episodes on dvd, and I never stop laughing. I think they're making a comeback in some respects, but I will always love the original... Seriously, do yourself a favor and by the whole time-life set if Disney hasn't confiscated them yet...they rock. The pic below is actually a remote controlled puppet that can actually interact with people in the Disneyland Park in California. Beeker and the professor intice the audience into doing the hokey-pokey. 
 
 

Posted by artjynx at 11:29 AM |

April 21, 2007

mingling

ok so Thursday, I was asked to be social. yeah, me. i was asked to take pictures of a small awards ceremony in exchange for dinner and possibly new contacts. What did end up happening was i ran into everyone i used to work for/with. The response i got from a certain individual has me a little puzzled. He seemed very upset and angry at me for whatever reason in that he didn't exactly care to talk to me. I'm also experiencing a high volume of anxiety lately and my brain chose this to fester on last night. damn i wish there was a switch to just turn off that part of my brain sometimes as it is simply a useless act that will age me faster. anyhoo, G, whatever i did to piss you off, i'm sure there was a valid reason or a misunderstanding. I hope you'll forgive me...-t

 

Posted by artjynx at 06:49 AM |

April 17, 2007

uhmmmmmm...yeah

little creepy there. I am a fan of finding things to escape reality every once in awhile. Truly. It's necessity for sanity in an insane world. but as with everything, too much of a good thing...anything really, can ultimately be a bad thing. I myself have to watch myself for stuff like this and really have some issues overcoming them, but to let it infiltrate and consume your whole life is considered addiction when every waking spare moment you have is focused on it. To me, you're then trying to escape your own life and that needs to be evaluated rather than hiding in some virtual world with an alternate identity. Balance, people, balance is the key....I have yet to find that balance myself but I do at least realize when i've gone too far.

Posted by artjynx at 11:46 AM |

March 26, 2007

do you believe in signs?

or is it just that we want so bad to put responsibility in others hands and therefore our fate is really the fault of others? or maybe we're just looking for specific reasons to jusify what we're really thinking or hoping in order to protect ourselves from ourselves. that way we don't have to face the truth of dealing with what's really going on. deep thoughts with Tina. I think it's the disposable back heat thingy i've been wearing all day...better blood circulation you know...I've totally tweaked my back and I'm trying to nurse myself back into health...I did do the horrible thing of googling others and once again came up with something I didn't like...in a way, i guess it's good that I see this type of thing but it was over 7 years ago and before i even knew this person. Then again, I think another certain individual totally screwed this person up in an even worse way and I can't help but worry but then that only gets you pushed away even more doesn't it. how mature.

Posted by artjynx at 04:40 PM |

March 23, 2007

may I have another one please?

arg. well once again, I have managed to be the dumbest person on the planet who obviously can't take a hint worth crap. I guess I just don't want to think that I'm THAT person and I KNOW I'm not but I'm getting treated that way and it's pissing me off that I can't just put my big girl pants on and realize this isn't worth persuing as I will never be granted any leeway with the most stubborn individual ever.  must be nice to have such power to never feel a damn thing. eh, actually it's kinda sad and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Maybe that's why I keep trying. hrmmm...ok that and the stupidity glutton for punishment thing.

ok...just forgive myself for caring and move on right?

in other news, I'm going to be officially be part of the the greatest capitalist regime soon. Yep, my stock is now able to be sold and new stock can be purchased...well as soon as I get the account set up anyway. I'm thinking I'll continue to invest and learn about this whole stock market thingy as it's time I learned to save money and make more of it...I do want to design my own house someday and at the rate I'm going I prolly won't get there without some major windfall or at least additional income that doesn't require me to work 24/7...I'm already working my ass off and still don't have a lot to show for it other than a nice little townhome. i took my papers into the accountant yesterday and I'm awaiting for the damage. 

Posted by artjynx at 02:43 PM |

March 14, 2007

mental anxiety aside...

I've discovered that when I'm really tired,I need to stop and go sleep. otherwise the sleep deprived rationale (or irrationale) ain't pretty. I think it's the whole change thing. Even if it's for the better, I still become over cautious and insecure. I don't have the obnoxious attitude that it takes to be respected by some....and whay on earth would I want to be respected by those who can't tell thedifference between sincerity and complete hot air. eh...it will work out i think and sleep helped me realize I'm being stupid. I'm looking forward to a nice restful weekend. hopefully I won't think about certain people as I'm prone to do when i actully have spare time. he isn't worth it, but old habits die hard i guess. 

Posted by artjynx at 04:23 PM |

March 13, 2007

the somewhat bearable lightness of being known

Today marks my second day of being at my job. I'm quite excited as it looks fairly challenging and creative at the same time. The higher ups are actually very supportive in letting me do what I do best. I know I can rise to that expectation and surprise even myself when I'm given the chance. It's a bit lonely here today though as it's Spring Break and alot of people are gone. It seems I'm somewhat of a celebrity at the moment though as I'm new and will bring about visual changes....oooooo.

my cushions better be ready this afternoon though....I'm tired of sitting on the floor 

Posted by artjynx at 12:29 PM |

March 08, 2007

tick---tickety tick.....tock...

my last day is tomorrow...what a year and 3 months can do to a person. I'm thinking I would have loved to go to south-by-southwest this year but alas...tis not to be. I think I'd like Austin though...but only as a frequent visit thing mind you ...I hate traffic. My thoughts are just all over the place lately as I have quite a bit to accomplish, but not really stressing too much as I think I'm enjoying it...isn't that sad...when you don't know if you enjoy something...or let's just say it doesn't suck at the moment. I need to teach myself to breathe more though at least more deeply to calm myself. I'm trying to quiet the negative thoughts that enter my head that cause self-destruction when things are not going as I had planned but at least they're going ok. mental note...it's ok to drink a little more...Cool

Posted by artjynx at 04:52 PM |

March 07, 2007

*sigh* - tired.

I really should just go to sleep. I can'tstop listing things in my head that need to be done. I think a break next week will do me good. even though i will be working a bit. It will be a needed change though. i was supposed to go shopping with my mom this weekend, but that kinda got cancelled. prolly for the best. I need to install the rest of my doors and just clean.

Posted by artjynx at 08:52 PM |

February 23, 2007

long week...

This whole week has just been all over the place. It seems I'm being pulled in every direction without any time to just sit and play with the girls. Who have now gotten to the point where they're thinking mutiny. The good thing though is I've accomplished a lot, but it never seems to end. I guess that's the price you pay for being goal-oriented. Hopefully, what I have left to do this weekend won't take up the whole weekend and I can spend some time at the park with the girls. Those big play balls at Wal-Mart have arrived in full colorful glory and one of them has Maisy's name on it. I will have a rather large announcement on Monday though but I can't say much yet. It's good thing. Cool

I've been rather concerned for my friends who've lost their wife/mom though. I'm not sure how to be concerned and helpful without being overly obnoxious or feeling like I could be doing more. On the other hand I've been remembering some funny times that I've encountered with this family and I think it's a nice thing to remember someone in that way. It definitely helps. I hope that's what they're trying to do. 

I'm now looking to get a new AC system and having several companies come out and give me estimates. hopefully it will help with the electrical bill this year. This year was pretty brutal.

 

Posted by artjynx at 11:15 AM |

February 12, 2007

big huge ass sigh of relief...

Yeah! My huge long ass, neglect the dogs and the house weekend marathon of work was not for nothing. Although I'm not completely done yet, a lot of the major spreads were fleshed out and the smaller version shouldn't be too tough once the big one is done. so she liked it and I feel the ol butterflies calming down as I really liked it too, but I can't stand it when I like something and the client doesn't. So I owe the dogs and the house some attention soon. Talked to Jeri on the phone last night and got to talking about how to change your focus on events or visualizing what you want out of life. Like not just focusing on what you don't want sort of thing. I am guilty of that in that I'm so freaked out about getting hurt I automatically throw the buts and can'ts right away. Even when I did try to be positive, I guess I didn't really believe it or in it so to speak. Mainly there are a lot of bad people out there who want to hurt others because they're so broken themselves. And I have been trying to survive these types of people for so long I forget to really appreciate those who have been really good to me. Changing the way you think is pretty difficult though. I struggle with it as I feel like I'm just lying to myself and I really REALLY hate lying. but I guess I need to change the way I view that as it's not really lying if it comes true right? hrmmm..

Posted by artjynx at 01:28 PM |

February 10, 2007

puppy therapy

well today has been better. I've been working all day on a side project that I had been a little worried about but I really like how it's coming out and actually getting a huge dent in the work is making me feel a little better too. I've decided to look into a class like stained glass or agility classes for the girls but so far I haven't been able to see how i can work it into my schedule. but i shall keep trying. I've considered attending church but i'm quite hesitant from my past experience with it. There is one I may be interested in trying but as usual schedules prevent it from happening immediately. the good thing is I'm not going to sit and wallow in misery of dealing with a certain individual's lack of respect and consideration. Instead, I will feel sorry for him and the fact that he is missing out on someone really wonderful. His short sightedness has cost him dearly. 

Posted by artjynx at 06:30 PM |

February 09, 2007

care for another kick in the head?

I don't know how to explain myself. It's just stupid really. I guess it comes from just low self-esteem and the only real attention I've received has been negative (and thanks for keeping it real, kev. keep that communication shut down man.). So really it's all I'm used to. except for art. I've always been relatively good at it and pretty much the only real positive praise I've gotten is from that. I'd hate to think that's my only good quality, but for now it's what I have to lean on ... that and my doggies. It seems the friends i have are all just as freakin busy and I wouldn't want to annoy them with this crap again anyway. I'm just humiliated and It's my fault this time for being trusting and wanting something I should know by now I will never have. I've been betrayed, lied to and manipulated and still I never learn. Did I mention that I'm the negative one here? y'know the only person who had any hope or goals? Yeah I don't really believe that anymore either.

But y'know, I hope you do find that person that can deal with the long bouts non-communication and won't treat you like skanky treated you.  no one deserves that.

Posted by artjynx at 08:08 AM |

February 06, 2007

How to break a bad habit...

I've read that it takes roughly 8 weeks to break a habit. Right now I'm on week 3. yeah me, woot! Cool I think hopefully, it's because I have gotten a little more protective of myself and that I do have limits of tolerance. i also have other things to do which makes it unbelievably easier as well. Particularly because all of it benefits me directly...that's right, ME! mememememe....and my dogs. who are thoroughly enjoying treats and things.

Posted by artjynx at 04:23 PM |

February 05, 2007

someone needs to offer me a drink....

preferably, a really nice amaretto sour heavy on the amaretto. ugh. BUT some news...feb 16....that is all. but it's better than nuttin'. my anger is still with me but i have mother nature to blame for a large part of why it's getting to me. I really think mommy dearest is really about Joan Crawford's lifetime PMS battle. at least I'm angry at the person I should be angry with though. and I'm just trying to work through it alone again. *sigh* I swear the ability to hold oneself accountable for your actions is tough to find in people nowadays. everyone wants credit but no one wants responsibility. I also figured I never should listen to REM - strange currencies while in an emotional state. They're worse than those sappy ass phone commercials and Nestor the Christmas donkey all rolled up into one. the dogs had no idea why I was crying, we were watching Bewitched for crying out loud...yes it was that bad....seriously damn REM. but my mood is a little lighter considering all is not lost on some aspects of my life at least. again...boycotting valentine's day....cupid should be bitch-slapped. 

Posted by artjynx at 04:15 PM |

February 02, 2007

she can't take much more, captain!

You know, searching people on the web sometimes isn't the best thing for when you're trying to forget that person. You might find things about that person that maybe you would have been better off not knowing. then again I guess it is good in that you feel like you totally dodged a bullet because you were being lied to anyway. ugh. I can't look at instant messaging the same way ever again. gag. another note...google analytics is down and that makes my addictive crack whore habit of checking it a moot point now...I mean all of the sites I manage are now in the dark...I can't see!!! pffftt. but it's Friday, I survived...still no news as of yet. I was able to finally get my hair done but I always hate the little cape thingy they put on me...my head looks huge. I do admire my stylist though. she's inspired me again as I've been feeling pretty low in the ol self esteem, but she is someone who has definietly transformed herself. I want/need to do this as well but I always feel like I lack the ability or that I really don't deserve it. goes without saying certain individuals who go out of their way to reinforce that thought. eh, screw em.

Posted by artjynx at 09:50 AM |

January 30, 2007

ouch.

i'm sick today. I can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of "blah" that's come over me either. At this very moment, it just feels like nothing ever gets done completely. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way, but relying on other people sucks sometimes when you're on one timeframe and they're well, who knows. I knowthis stems from stress i've been put under as I tend to react to my surroundings, but sometimes the stress takes over and I feel the anxiety a little too much. and some things...I just don't need to know. really. i was supposed know something by now but I am waiting still. still waiting.....hhhmmm yep....(pops open a beer out in the alley) OH...Family guy was hilarious on Sunday they had Stewie re-enact a dance with Gene Kelly...

the same one with Jerry the mouse...I think the musical was called Anchors Away, but not certain. I do know it was a movie I had to freakin dust and stare at when I worked in a video store as a teenager....ick. bad memories there. We always had the mom with the horrible rooten kids who would leave them in the video store for us to babysit while she went to the grocery store. she KNEW her kid waqs rotten but it never dawned on her to do the right thing...guess that's why he was rotten in the first place. hrmm. kind of interesting where the thoughts go and the memories that they conjure huh?

Mia is singing att he moment. Sheso cute when she tries to serenade. she's quite musical. Maisy is very talkative though. she tends to have more of a purpose.

My teeth hurt. I got a new tray today for the invisalign....ouch. I should feel better after a night or two though. I know my teeth a moving with this one. 

Posted by artjynx at 07:26 PM |

January 29, 2007

uhm....today.

This is my life today. Actually, it's a screenshot from Pixar's new Short Lifted...a clip can be found here. But I can totally relate to the little guy on the right there. Just one of those days of complete insecurity and zero confidence in my abilities...scratch that... I KNOW I can do it, but it seems I have issues in getting other people to believe that. so far nothing new to report except Maisy once again discovered the field of cows that live across the street. She was mesmerized in mid-piddle. She must have thought they were huge schnauzers. and jealous that they had their own yard. yes trying humor is helping a little. I watched the above short a few times which cheered me up a little. It's funny looking at the comments on the community board where I found this ....they comment on the animation of the farmer guys HAIR. This I think is why I couldn't do this for a living. but then I guess every career has it's geeks who obsess over the mundane things in their line of work don't they? I get tired of details though and sometimes just want to sit back and take a look at the big picture...it's quite surreal.

Posted by artjynx at 03:57 PM |

January 26, 2007

oh Friday, how do I love thee

I've made it through another week of 12 hour work days...*whew*. Hopefully I can catch up on some stuff so next week won't be like the last 2. Creative block can be exhausting. also...hopefully good news will be soon coming...cannot discuss here as of yet...spies. yes, so you're curiouslty will have to wait. My friend is going to have a booth at the local bridal show this weekend and I'm helping her create an e-card. I don't think I could deal with the Bridezillas though....some people's values just totally go out the window at first scent of Jordan almonds wrapped in tulle. *shudder* I think I'd just elope in some exotic locale just to avoid the whole family thing...and don't get me started on etiquette and thank you notes. ew. I'll post the ecard when i'm done...for now go look at her gorgeous site that is my artwork....Hidden Oasis Ranch she's also in Downtown Bryan on First Fridays...

Posted by artjynx at 01:28 PM |

January 24, 2007

the dog lady

I think I'm becoming one of THOSE people. I couldn't help myself and started looking at all the cute little schnauzer puppies on puppyfind. They're all so cute. I always feel so bad for the homeless ones. It makes me go home and hug mine to pieces and promise them that will never be them. The creative block has somewhat worked itself out...I say that with another brochure to sketch out tonight so knock on wood. The anger though is still with me but more as protective "don't all sappy and try reach out to the unreachable" sort of thing. I can't help it....I am a sappy person deep down and while I mess up I always have good intentions. I guess some people don't get that when they're wrapped up in themselves. *sigh* I will be in a much better mood after valentines day is over. such a crappy manipulative holiday. yes spoken by someone who will most like not be celebrating it. Those of you who are...stay away from me. thhpppttthhhhh. 

Posted by artjynx at 04:47 PM |

January 21, 2007

creative block sux....

I knew this would happen eventually. I'm forcing myself to work through it though with scheduling to at least keep from waiting til the last minute. I start thinking about other things and people who really don't deserve my attention to avoid feeling like an idiot. so I get angry instead. angry at people who are immature, irrational and moody and have the nerve to assess me as the negative one. then i get angry at myself for not standing up for myself when i had the chance, and instead, i let it go in hopes of something better in the future (did i mention I'm considered negative by this individual?). but as usual i'm let down in the worst way. but you can't connect with someone who is incapable of even connecting with themselves. or who runs away from even the slightest uncomfortable situation. *sigh* why on earth do i even care about this person? I get treated like crap, confused, manipulated, and then blamed for any little thing that upsets him even though it was just him taking it the wrong way. why? because he's got some major issues that he refuses to acknowledge or discuss even to himself. again...why do i care? i'm angry now, but i will not go to this individual again after trying to be understanding for the umpteenth time only to get proverbially kicked to the side. treating people like crap is not a character trait, it's just mean. so i need to just forgive myself for making the mistake of being nice and get on with it as he'll never change.

Posted by artjynx at 06:16 PM |

January 17, 2007

Listity lists and the many moods of me....

 as sung by Englebert Humperdinck. I've decided I'm a fairly crappy writer and frankly the things i really need to talk about I can never do fully here mainly to protect my own ass. really, i do think about more than just my dogs. I'm thinking about stuff i want to do this year....

 

1. learn Ruby and develop a program using a database... even if it's a simple ass thing.

2. lose weight and enjoy it....i.e. find something active and fun to do...

3. get my house to where i want it...

    carpet, crown molding, new range microwave, TV, possibly new heater if it doesn't die

4. new computer and have it networked to the laptop and HD and printer

5. notice the social life and love life are down here....truly I haven't a freaking clue so I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing...possibly explains why everything else is so organized. hrmmm

 

 

 

Posted by artjynx at 08:15 PM |

January 12, 2007

ah Friday....i missed you

I'm so glad I survived this week. I still have a major project to do but at least it's a fairly easy one. I was hoping to get out some this weekend but it's supposed to be cold and rainy...a perfect time for wine and a movie....to bad i have only the schnauzers to share it with, and they tend to drink too much and just get stupid. maisy and her benders ain't pretty.  I have yet to receive any life altering news but i'm hopeful and will just keep going as I normally do. Did I mention how much i love my floors? so anyway, enough for now.

Posted by artjynx at 02:01 PM |

January 01, 2007

Happy New Year - 2007....let's be careful out there

I think this year has so far been kinda interesting... all 12 hours of it Wink. I had an interesting surprise this morning at walmart where I get my beloved taquitos. I picked up a box and lo and behold a coupon fairy/angel had left a coupon for 1.00 off. I think that's kinda cool and actually makes me really think about how I want this year to go. I usually don't try to make resolutions as the cliche of the new year to me is pretty much dooming anything attempted because IMHO people sho