reflections chapter 234, part a, paragraph 4....
Hrmmmm. Sometimes it's not so good to look behind you y'know? I've gotten to where I'm so busy I don't have time to look back. I LOVE that too. I get so mired in what i thought I should be that I forget who I really am and really I should be quite grateful. Just because many go on to do one thing doesn't mean I have to. and lord I love it when people act as if they failed if they somehow end up doing what i do. I love being creative, why is it such a kick in the pants when people ask me about what i do.... sorry i'm not living up to your expectations, but i like that i can choose what I work on. and that i'm not stuck working on it for 4 years either. -end rant-
i am sooooo looking forward to my trip to vegas with cuteboy (oh did mention i'm going to vegas with cuteboy?) I like trying new things with him....he doesn't make me feel all self concious when i look stupid. I'm definitely liking the whole not looking back idea....(yes i returned to my original subject, shut up) but cuteboy is definitely a positive factor in why I've been able to keep going forward. It's amazing how people can affect you positiely or negatively by how they treat you. huge difference. I think that's why I just don't want to deal with those people anymore. they still make everything about them. and i'm supposed to do all the work. meh, not really missing them anyway...even if I never get the real truth, which i doubt either of these people are capable of telling it fully. I should just realize that everyone has an agenda good or bad. i like where i am at the moment. i really have no desire to return there. even if it means seeing my name in the credits...i can make my own credits thank you very much. i do think revamping this blog and my portfolio would be an awesome idea as this blog in the past has served a purpose of me venting about some really awful people who did nothing, yet claim to miss me, uhm not really buying that, and ew for the whole mentality of name dropping. although i suspect that some of the connection etween certain people deals with the similarity of actions in the past and wanting to be forgiven or not looked down upon for them. eh. i can only control me, and i just don't get it really. *sigh* moving forward :)


lots of wine a decent steak...prolly not worth 20 dollars tho. CB's dinner last night was far better...and i'm not a seafood person! I think i'm slowly being converted though. it's not bothered my stomach at all....so i'm thinking it's psychosematic. anyhoo, was pampered with a great dinner, and drank far too much wine and therefore revealed a little too much about my feelings there....not the best time, but you know when you're drunk....and you think you can deal with stuff better? yeah i think that's kinda what happened. I just hope I didn't do too much damage...and good thing it was dark. also not the most romantic way to say it either...esp after i was treated so well. *sigh*...lesson learned..just feel like a dork is all. and then per my normal reaction...i'm overcompensating by being overly open and helpful...i.e. even dorkier. would you like fries with that? arg. but over all, a very good weekend.

yes that's right, boo. and i'm freaking out in the only way i know how. by reading WAY too much into it. boo. why is it that the very thing you want to do is always the absolute worst thing to do? i could be looking at the the wrong way too. I mean it's a huge thing for me to ask for anything from anyone...mainly because of childhood events and people who helped cause them ( and not old events) but overcoming this is a lot harder than i thought. so ok....maybe we'll try by just writing to the old blog here....i like you. i'm really interested in getting to know you better, as I think you're very cute and very nice and sweet. not asking to spend every waking moment with you but frankly no time kinda sucks, and actually it's making me think i'm kinda getting the brush off in the "i-just-don't-want-to hurt-your-feelings" abandonment "i'll talk to you but only in short brief monosyllabic words" method guys seem to use. This is precisely why i don't open up anymore. I don't trust or feel secure in just letting people know everything only to have to them treat me like crap. so no at them moment i don't have a lot to say. that will take some work on my part, but if you're not interested then there's no point at all now is there? wow that got negative didn't it? *sigh* such is the mood i'm in i guess....all work and no play.

note to self: don't get too carried away...heheh.




