Gypsy Design :: The Stew

so here i am....at work. wondering how a tooth that technically has root canal in it can still hurt every now and then....arg. but i digress. yesterday was not the best day as i some how throughout the week disentigrated into a cranky, massively tired bitchy person. I know most of it is that i'm not getting enough sleep. or exercise. (the thought of that makes me extremely tired too) and when people aren't feeling well they tend to purposefully blow things far out of porportion...or maybe that's just me...no wonder i like cartoons. they seem to fit my personality at times...

 

cuteboy questioned me once on why i cleaned so much...(bear in mind this is a guy asking the question... where things only get cleaned every few months or so) I don't think I do..once a week simply to keep it all from crawling up the stairs and strangling me in my sleep seems like a small price to pay. and really clutter doesn't bother me...it's the kitchen and bath areas that will annoy me after awhile. Although it did get me to thinking about why this is such a girl thing, really especially yesterday when the topic of cuteboy possibly going to austin on a more permanent basis (reminder: not in great mood and tends to overthink and obsess...this is why i have schnauzers). to me it's about feeling in control of something. if you control how your surroundings look and you feel like the queen of your domain so to speak it's easier to handle the other thiings that are outside of one's control...such as people moving, clients who don't communicate, and dogs who feel intitled to pee at 5 am. So really it's a perpetual illusion that i have my shit together and impervious to the outside elements that can potentially harm me....my bat cave if you will. i think guys have a similar need too but they do just the opposite they devolve into cavemen...who happen to play WoW. (with love!)

so i guess it's all about insecurity. and embracing change, but i'm better about change if i can plan obsessively for it in my own quiet way. like a security blanket

 

Posted by artjynx at 09:19 AM | Permalink

*sigh* I had planned to put pictures up here of the Texas State Fair and the very amusing gingerbread party we had this last Saturday, but it's my blog and i can cry if i want to. Lord the pictures of me! I don't even recognize myself. ugh. I'm now even more depressed than before i thought uploading the things would cheer me up. *sigh* that's it. no more eating out period. from now on i'm making crap at home and the pralines i was considering making...nope. prolly better I saw the real me before all the other xmas festivities. (drags out jogging trampoline) so anyway, first emotionally conflicted and now dreadfully disgusted with physical self. i know i've been working a lot too and very stressed but really not thinking straight lately and far to emotional for me to deal with myself even. so I tend to just work more....ugh who does that? so now i think i'll be printing the lovely pic of me out and pasting on refrigerator to remind myself that this is not good and so not healthy....at least it will give me something to do other than work...:P

Posted by artjynx at 09:11 PM | Permalink

Yes...I know...haven't written in a while, but far too much is going on and i needed to recover from a never ending cough *hack* that still rears it's ugly head at inappropriate moments. So any way...onto my so called life...vegas....was fun. Cuteboy treated everyone to nice limo ride to the hotel (MGM Grand) and we had a lovely room with thecoolest tub I'd ever seen...corner tub with jets ...I lost money the entire time we were there with the exception of the first night where i won a little at slots. I learned I suck at blackjack. Gambling aside though, the shows were awesome we saw STOMP and  Cirque du Soleil's "O". got swim in the river pool and saw some beautiful over the top hotels to boot.

 

 

 People we went to Vegas with...Phil, Christen, Rebecca & Alex

 

 

Fuzzy picture of everyone on our way to "O"

 

Cuteboy and me in the Paris Hotel Shops (my camera hates me btw...so adds 15 pounds...)

 The coolest thing happened on the way home though as we waited in the airport in vegas to go home, we played slots and lo and behold on borrowed 10.00 from cuteboy i won about 350. vegas redeemed itself to me and i used the money to take cuteboy to Christopher's ...the poshest restaurant in town here...twas worth it too..sooooo good. but before christopher's yummy goddness, I came home sick, and even better my parents had taken over my house in refuge from Hurricane Ike eating the roof off of their house. I intended to use the rest of my vacation for catching up on freelance and being kind of stifled in my house with 4 dogs and 3 people it really was the only thing i could do to keep myself from going crazy. Luckily cuteboy rescued me a few times so i didn't hurt anyone and i got lots of work done at least.. My parents are now staying at a hotel near their house so they can watch over the repairs. 

oh yes the cow....about a week ago a cow made it's way across the fence from the pasture that is across my townhome..(that's very common in texas) aand decided to go for a walk in my complex....

 

 
 
anyhoo....been trying to get more freelance to payoff stuff faster and possibly acquire new frige and dishwasher. cuteboy did graciously meet parents under the circumstances of hurricane refuge...i totally adore him for stepping up, although I think it was more nervewracking for me as it just brought back some crappy baggage of sentiment and hurt for me. I tend to compartmentalize that part of my life and past mainly because i want to protect the rest of my life from it....it's a little weary mingling the 2 as i don't want the ickyness to overtake the awesomeness....

 

Posted by artjynx at 09:23 AM | Permalink

Posted by artjynx at 03:56 PM | Permalink

so....what's it cost when you're vet moves to alaska leaving you without means to get to your records? $187 freakin dollars that's what. *sigh* I love my puppies to pieces. daresay they are my kids because frankly i don't know if real human kids will ever be in the cards for me. so 187 dollars later, the girls now have a 6 month supply of heartguard, updated parvo shots, and a diagnosis of negative on heartworms (a test they required before they would sell me the heartguard). oh and thanks to my poor math skills i realized i made a mistake on maisy's birthday thus making her 8 years old instead of 6 which the vet said she was getting overweight and to possibly put her on geriatric food. I'm sure that made maisy's day. sorry sweetie, you'll always be my puppy. so i've determined it was the math mistake and she's really not old.

so it means i most likely will not be getting my hands on an iphone for at least a month. ah well. i need other things too but y'know it'll just keep me going on the freelance. and that just keeps my mind from wandering too far to the left and going over the edge with anxiety anyway. 

Posted by artjynx at 01:40 PM | Permalink

so sad... such a great comedian

Posted by artjynx at 08:03 PM | Permalink

is a bit of a tricky one. yeah, yeah,, pics of the finished bathroom i know and it's coming...the tub kicks ass, but they need to finish out the walls still and i want a pretty picture. anyhoo...regarding my last emotionally driven post....i no longer am taking the mega estrogen pill. lasted 4 days....no more...and i do feel better, good thing too as understanding of boys or lack thereof sometimes shocks me. what do you mean you don't like cute animated ecards full of lurve? and sweet gestures of sappy cuteness? i love that crap! so really i shouldn't take it personally but chalk it up to pure "guy-ness". uhm yeah whatever, sweetie....still gonna be sappy no matter what because that's who i am and i gotta be me. but it would be nice to get sugary sweetness in return every now and then just so i can be reassured a bit....today was a great example. being romantic doesn't mean you have to be girly and mushy...i just like knowing you think of me and you care.

Posted by artjynx at 01:48 PM | Permalink

This is my bathroom right this very minute. i will hopefully be able to show a much prettier gorgeous photo with a new tub and pretty new oil rubbed bronze fixture tomorrow. Even with the lovely hot water incident at 8:30 am, this is the best thing going for me at this point in life. my feelings have been hurt today ...maybe not intentionally but hurt nonetheless. What's worse is i have no idea what to do about it....My whole life has been such where my feelings never mattered, and i no longer think that's right, but have yet to really learn to stick up for myself except when i'm finally in a point where i can't take it anymore. i also don't think that's good. so i'm trying to recognize the hurt feelings when they happen rather than rationalize it away thinking i don't matter...repeating my childhood over and over. *sigh* argh. i so want my new bathtub so i can just soak in i the massive stockpile of bubblebath i've hoarded for the past few months. I'm terribly stressed and sad right now.  

Posted by artjynx at 07:24 PM | Permalink

well people. i'm having to do some soul searching here....and with my lame ass childhood that's not always fun. I so want to get past the crap and move on with something better. That's not always easy though as sometimes i don't think people understand or can relate to what it is really. Not their fault, but not something for the feint of heart either. I so hate the drama though so i'm taking time out to figure myself out a bit. i 'm proud of myself for not going too overboard emotionally though. emotions are such a mixed blessing. i do however need to figure out what i need though. he is right after all.....

 aside from the crappy day i had yesterday....stupid speeding ticket, all is rather ok. i sent off the ticket stuff asap just so i could feel less guilty and get it over with...arg.

Posted by artjynx at 09:37 AM | Permalink

 

Do you ever just have one of those days where you FINALLY get something after going through a process of fumbling through and having people look at you like you're crazy? Yeah...that would be me today. BUT, at least I got there . I don't exactly have someone to bounce stuff off of...people are pretty much on a whole other level than me...and I'm really trying to get it. my brain hurts today, but after discussing it with someone who has learned that i need a little patience and realizes that i just plain have a different perspective..it all just became crystal clear...what i don't get is why didn't anyone explain this before??? arg. Painful the learning process is.....(I'm channeling Yoda now for some reason)... You know I was perfectly capable of installing MySQL on my own computer at home...I managed to get the blog thing up and relatively customized...by myself...hell I taught myself AUTOCAD...in 3D no less...I learned all sorts of things about polylines and exporting DXF files WAY before anyone else got it....but Good LORD there's just so much to know and I feel like that Far Side cartoon with the little kid and his brain is full and has to go home...that would be me today.

Posted by artjynx at 04:40 PM | Permalink

exercise is good... so far I'm managing to make it creative brain time while repetitively torturing my body on an elliptical machine...good no? i definitely feel better anyway. I did do something brave and hopefully will not bite me in the ass in the near future. *sigh* this unrequited stuff sucks big time, but it beats the snot out of feeling sorry for myself and being stupid. ok, I tend to be awkward no matter what really but eh who isn't? Even Mel Gibson has done some stupid crap in his life. Why am I picking on Mel? First to come to mind I guess. Anyhoo, got a lot of work done this weekend and hopefully will be buying ticket to SF for October and new camera to take pics of said trip....

Posted by artjynx at 08:26 PM | Permalink

managed to fumble my way through an exercise dvd last night. I felt really good afterward and hope I can keep convincing myself to continue. I also treated myself to a new ishuffle last night and will be walking the dogs tonight at the park weather permitting. Trying to really just focus myself and feel any little bit is a good thing. I noticed something today that literally made my heart drop into my stomach, but y'know how you have suspicions sometimes and really just hope you're wrong only to be proven right? not a good feeling. I should be getting a rather large project to work on this summer through the next 6 months and that should at least help keep my mind off of the ick. I don't know how this all gets triggered, but what I'm really hoping is how to find a way to make it go away quicker. I figured if I just start feeling better about me it will at least subside some...

Karthik will be getting married this weekend and I wish him and his new bride so much happiness. I hope I can find that at some point, but I need to get rid of this ugliness that is just consuming me and actually finding someone who really cares about me would be nice too. so trying to think happier thoughts...and really mean it

Posted by artjynx at 03:24 PM | Permalink

you know, I had a roommate once tell me that sometimes when she gets in a funk she merely forces herself to behave in a certain way (she said like wearing a mask in a way) and eventually she becomes the mask. uhm not quite sure i buy that entirely....to me that's like saying people can change their chemical makeup or something. So the totally upbeat, happy-ass, jesus loves me and all of God's creatures just completely sounds SO absolutely phony and trite. especially when I know for a FACT these people are less than honorable individuals from their past deeds and total lack of accountability. Maybe they have to act that way in order to try to convince themselves and those around them that they aren't the heinous rotten people they really are...I definitely see this a major obstacle of me going to church. Like a preacher said in a sermon of how some people wear their religion like a coat...some people have some thick heavy ass wool coats or even fur..(because God's creature love them) and they have to constantly wear it to establish who they are...but to me they will always be just covering up who they really are. It is quite nauseating to watch the prance of the self-righteous though. ick. 

I used to think I was horrible for recognizing it and then have the "saint" chastize me for it but now I realize it was just a tactic to pull the wool back over my eyes so to speak...hrmm I wonder if that expression stems from the other? anyhoo, I can see really what my roommate meant about the mask though...simple visualization..if you can see it you can be it...sorry to pull a Stuart Smalley (Gosh darn it I'm good enough!) but it can turn into manipluative lies pretty quick when used without morals. ok end rant, step off soap box...

really today has been pretty good overall, just trying to work out the whole why seemingly good things happen to crappy people. but then that could all be the fake crap too. most of it always has been.

Posted by artjynx at 04:04 PM | Permalink

stuff..today...uhm looks like i'll be gettin a new ac soon...whee..just a little bummed today....i must just be a glutton for punishment as i must have something to fret over at all times....urggggwhy? i'm doing relatively well...the work thing is actually pretty cool. and i'm doing pretty well with the freelance....so er why do i focus on the stupid thing i have absolutely no control over? i could email to my heart's content thinking i have some impact other than recreational reading when ego needs a boost but what do i gain from that with total silence? *sigh* i must just forget about it and keep going...at thisrate i'll have anew carpet and a hdtv by the end of the summer

Posted by artjynx at 08:52 PM | Permalink

lord, this is complicated. the more i learn about stock the more i see it as the world's biggest pissing contest. It's totally manipulative worse than Paris HIlton or Twitney Spears crap, but using your money. It's all a big stupid game. and it's frickin pissing me off that i'm having to deal with it at this moment. ugh

Posted by artjynx at 03:16 PM | Permalink

that's really truly interesting. I now have access to a kick butt scanner so i may start doodling. Miss Doxie has some very cool cartoons of her doxies, but schnauzers are so much funnier. I am waiting on a large payoff in order for my life to move forward right now...the list of things that i need to do/get keeps growing every day...so i'm left in broke limbo with people staring down at me wanting money from me...at least it feels that way. car tags, oil change, web hosting, pay the acct, pay taxes, arggg!!! the suspense! I'm hoping there's no issues with it as I turned the invoice in weeks ago. 

Meanwhile more work, more to keep track of....it's all good. I just need to learn to relax quicker when i do get time to myself...I'm really considering a video camera as i think it would be very cool to have and to experiment with. but sheesh...1700 ...it's either a camera or replacing the carpet...(the carpet cleaning only lasted for so long...:P ) Am now thinking new carpet is the only way to get rid of it.

Although, this morning Mia did a very good girl thing....she went to the door. yes people my little baby is finally realizing that she needs to go to the door to go outside. I'm so proud of her. I even went outside with my hair wet so she would make the connection. 

 

Posted by artjynx at 09:42 AM | Permalink

Still in a bit of a quiet place. This weekend was a sad one although it was really celebrating the life oF Kim. I at least came prepared with a box of kleenex this time as I cry terribly. Especially because I knew her for quite a while. The church was beautiful. They had set up a table consisting of Kim's favorite things. This included her running shoes, pics of her family, and awards for athletic ability. After signing the guest book, I wandered into the church. I sat mainly in the back next to a large pillar. I wasn't a huge part of her life or her family's for that matter. I was their babysitter for a time. I'd like to think I helped enable them to create some of her memories though by just being there to make their lives easier. 2 large screens dominated either side of pulpit playing slide shows of Kim and her life. I remember quite a few which made start crying before the service even began. Doesn't take too much, but then Kim was very special to everyone in that room so that made it even more difficult to stay composed. I ended up sharing my box of kleenex with those around me though. There were words from her childhood friends, and a young man who sang songs. The minister, I have to say, I was rather impressed with. I don't know how he differs in his normal sermons, but this man was rather down to earth and actually discussed spirituality. That he and his wife in his occupation came across many people who wore their religion as a suit they put on rather than something that was inside them. That some people feel everyone should know how religious they are rather than quietly just living a spiritual life. He said being around Kim was nice break from these types of people. Not that they're bad people, but it feels like they're trying to cover up or hide something. Kim wasn't like that at all. She lived who she was. To me that is probably the most profound thing I've heard in a church. Go Methodists. After the service was a bit awkward in that I don't think the kids really remembered me, and they were really surrounded by all their friends. I'm glad they have friends like their mom has to help them through. I ended up leaving rather early though as again, I felt a little out of place. I was part of their lives once in one role and now I play a more distant role in that I occasionally will work on projects with Gordon. One thing I gathered for certain though from listening to her friends talk about her, Kim is most likely organizing a soccer team in heaven right now.

Posted by artjynx at 09:05 AM | Permalink

Today I was informed that the mom of two very cool kids I used to babysit passed away yesterday after a long battle with cancer. It's definitely put me in my quiet place today as my thoughts are with these kids and their dad, who also was my employer once upon a time. Kim was a very important individual to so many people, my heart goes out to each and every one of them. To me in particular, Kim showed me that life is meant to be enjoyed thoroughly. She was a very active and athletic woman that lived life to the fullest. I know her strength as a human being and vibrant spirit and soul enabled her to battle her illness that most would never have withstood for as long as she did. 

I  know all of us that knew her feel a great loss in our hearts today (of all days), but Kim's capacity to love her family and friends inspires everyone to love and cherish those close to them as I know I have renewed appreciation for those I care for. So instead of greiving for Kim (although I am crying while writing this) I will appreciate and love those around me and be inspired to continue to see the abundance of love that currently possess than lament that which I don't have. I'm glad you're no longer in pain, but can watch over your family from a better place. Rest in Peace.

 

 

Posted by artjynx at 01:34 PM | Permalink